so this is the new year...

and i don't feel any different.

What the hell has happened to this God-fearing/loving/honoring self of a man?

Look friends, it's really simple. 2008 hasn't been the best of years. By far. Yet I've got so much to be thankful for. But I've become much more of a pessimist lately, and I don't like that at all. What have I become. Who have I become.

I miss college. I miss people. Maybe I just miss those two put together all at the same time. I miss the Thursday night prayer meetings we'd have - where God would meet us, and we were just a small group of students asking the Almighty for his will to be done in our lives, and in the lives of those on our campus. 

I miss the late night conversations and the midnight food runs. The days in the park eating chipotle and the mario party tournaments. 7X7's at In-N-Out and soapbox symphony shows. Spring break road trips to Idaho and flights to Boston. Noon hoops with professors and early morning swims in the Pacific.

I was surrounded by friends, by people whose middle names I knew. I was on the brink of something beautiful with so many people. And then we graduated. Friends moved back home, where rent was affordable and family resided. The Arizona sun stole my best friend. The Northern California rain took a few more. And I stayed home. Where I have had seven different jobs, ranging from delivering blueprints to construction sites to calling the police and turning in someone who had a warrant out for their arrest.

The year I graduated I had a burning desire to move to Mexico and work with unfortunate orphans whose parents deserted them and left them to fend for themselves. Things happened, life happened...and my dream didn't. Again the possibility arose, and it didn't fit into my schedule, my own plan for my life. Today I left a message on the director's voicemail - and who knows if anything is going to come of it. I used the excuse to stay in OC because there are people and children who are less fortunate than I am. People who don't have a place to sleep or a job to go to. I would tell people there are just as many kids who need love, as there are south of the border. 

Still something in my heart yearns for those in what is known as el reino de los ninos - the kid's kingdom. Oh, and my Oscar is there too...

This is not the sound of settling.

Godspeed.

zip-a-dee-doo-dah...

why am i so over blogging lately?

wait, why am i so over most things lately?

umm hello...

blogger oh blogger.

where have you been.

where are the words to write, the phrases for others to enjoy.

is it me.

or is it you.

a lack of color...

But really, a lack of black and white. Here's why.

Monday morning was one of the best mornings I've ever had. Standing at the drive-thru window in Starbucks I could see rain falling from clouds in the distance. Falling so much in fact, that I could see it connecting with the hills. When I looked to my left I saw huge storm clouds looming over north Orange County, with splashes of lightning filling the sky every few minutes. It's not every day you can talk to customers about the weather here. This was one of them, and I'm sure the short conversations quickly helped fill our measly tip jar.

To continue the wonderful morning I was given my lunch break at 6:45. Which gave me perfect time to grab a sandwich and sit outside to watch the sunrise around 7:45.

And maybe this picture doesn't give it quite the justice, but for now (and forever) it will have to suffice.

I'm thankful for days like Monday.

I'm thankful for my girlfriend too.

She's amazing. But more on that later.

consecutive days fail...

Wow, I haven't posted for a week. So much for trying to post every day of September.

Sigh.

hello good morning...

You can refer to HERE, and then maybe I'll write more today when I have time.

Or maybe that will just suffice for today.

I don't know.

blah...

no really, blah.

life... (part iv)

"to die will be an awfully big adventure." - peter pan

And yet what about to live? So many times I hear people speaking of how they would love to die for the sake of Christ. How amazing, to stand up for what I believe in and die knowing I'll spend eternity with my Creator. In fairness, that might indeed be an amazing adventure and it might be your life calling - but I'd be comfortable enough to say that in all likelihood it's not.

With that in mind, what are we doing today that brings life to ourselves and to others. Are we selfishly living each hour to appease our greedy nature, or is there some method to our insanely busy days that gives us the notion to stop and think about why we have been given such an amazing life.

"It will be very hard to believe that God's intentions toward us are life abundant; it will be even harder not to feel that somehow we are just blowing it."  - john eldredge

Oh God, give me life, and may all I do be glorifying to you so that I may be fully alive.

More later...

random...

I suppose one of the downfalls of writing for two consecutive weeks is that your brain begins to slow down on things to think and write about. This is fine in some circumstances I suppose, such as considering it forces it to work harder and thus improves productivity in the long run - but for now it's still quite slow.

I learned a new thing today. I'm surprised I didn't know it earlier but better late than never. I learned how to type in an umlaut during an everyday typing conversation. You know, the two dots over a vowel, such as in the word Entouräge. In case you didn't know, you type alt-u then the letter in which you wish the magical dots to appear over.

Oh, back to not having ideas of things to write about. I have an idea, how about you, my loyal readers, give me suggestions as to topics I should write about. I'm open to anything really, and if I'm not I'll be sure to let you know.

Have at it!

100...

This marks my 100th post. Or so that's what blogger tells me. So I'm averaging about 33 posts a year. That's horrible.

But hey, at least this month is looking up - so far fourteen days and sixteen posts; not bad in my book.

Things I'm not looking forward to this week:

1. Waking up tomorrow morning for work seven hours from now.

Oh that's about it.

awakening...

face down with the LA curbside endings
with the ones and zeros
downtown was the perfect place to hide
the first star that I saw last night was a headlight
of a man-made sky, but man-made never made our dreams collide
collide

here we are now with the falling sky and the rain
we're awakening
here we are now with our desperate youth and the pain
we're awakening
maybe it's called ambition, you've been talking in your sleep
about a dream

we're awakening

last week found me living for nothing but deadlines
with my dead beat sky but, this town doesn't look the same tonight
these dreams started singing to me out of nowhere
and in all my life I don't know that I ever felt so alive
alive

i want to wake up kicking and screaming
i want to wake up kicking and screaming
i want to know that my heart's still beating
it's beating
i'm bleeding
i want to wake up kicking and screaming
i want to live like I know what I'm leaving
i want to know that my heart's still beating
it's beating... it's beating...
i'm bleeding

sometime around midnight...

Every Friday morning I wake up to weed-whackers, leaf-blowers and lawn-mowers. They're just sitting there, in my room, staring at me. "Wake up" they say. It's time to get up - it's seven in the morning and you need to open your sleepy eyes. We don't care if you've only got six hours of sleep, we've been sleeping all week and we're not complaining. "WAKE UP!"

I'll wake up, I tell them, but I'm not getting out of bed. At least not until after nine - at least then I have the satisfaction of being in bed for at least eight hours. And in that time I'm able to put good use to my pillows that say "don't leave" every time I lift my head up to the incessant groaning of my alarm clock. You'd be surprised at how many inanimate objects speak to you, if you'd just open your ears and listen...

My computer sings to me. My clothes tell me how good I look. My shoes tell me how fast I am. My tv tells me I need more stuff. My phone says I'll never have to be alone. The list goes on and on people - and in all honesty sometimes I wish all I owned were the clothes on my back. 

But I regress. For tomorrow morning I'm not going to be happy with my alarm clock, and my pillows are not going to be happy with me. I'm sure sometime around midnight tonight I'm going to be thinking - why am I awake? And then I'll remember about that time that I have to be at work in four hours, smile and say - oh yes I only wanted two REM cycles anyway...

tonight tonight...

I'm looking good.

Hahaha.

Just thought I'd share - because hey, I can and I will and you can't stop me.

Boo-yah!!!

food for thought...

It can get annoying waiting for someone. Especially when food is involved. At least for me.

On Sunday I made plans with my friend Colin to have lunch with him on Wednesday. Today is Wednesday, it is almost noon; and I am hungry. The only problem is that he does not get out of his class until 1:20, which means we won't be at our lunch destination until 1:40. My stomach is annoyed with me.

Annoyed with the fact that I haven't fed him since around 7:30 last night, and even though that was a delicious TJ's ice cream sandwich, he still isn't happy with me. Oh wait, I even gave him some TJ's spice bread this morning, but no - he's still crying out for more food. 100 minutes I tell him, but he's still frowning.

Maybe, just maybe, when I feed him that delicious In N Out burger, he will smile at me and say, well done my slave.

2 atoms in a molecule...

I've just completed my first full day working at Starbucks. I really enjoyed it. Surprisingly more than I thought I would. It's nice to be back in the swing of work again, even if I'm making less than I was on unemployment. My co-workers are fun to work with, and I'm learned to prepare myself for a good conversation, such as this one:

X: How's it going?

Me: Good thanks, I'm James.

X: Nice to meet you Jim, I'm X. You going to school?

Me: No, just working. 

X: That's about where I'm at.

Me: Yeah just needed a job.

X: It's cool cuz you work with lots of girls here. I mean there's always new ones.

What the HECK!?

So much went through my head at the end of that conversation that I didn't know if I should just laugh to myself or what. 

Good times.

But really, I'm learning rather quickly and my co-workers are surprised because they say they are used to people taking forever to learn how to mix coffee and milk and syrup. Just remember folks, 2 shots in a grande espresso...

chicken, or tomatoes...

Because I am such a loving brother and want my sister to eat good, healthy food, I made sure to switch her five chicken nuggets with five small tomatoes while she was busy doing something else. I took the chicken nuggets, hid them in the cup cupboard (redundant?), and shuffled off to my room. I knew she'd find them right away, considering this isn't the first time I have done such a thing as this. Maybe I need to find a better hiding spot.

Oh did I mention I took her to get them after picking her up from work? Or that it was my idea to get food from a not-so-good fast food joint? Didn't think so, but then again it doesn't make me any less wonderful of a brother.

strong enough to break...

"It's better to build boys than to mend men." - S. Truett Cathy, as seen on a Chick-fil-A hospitality mint wrapper

Sam's got a good point here, but I can't help but think something's got to be done about the men that need mending as well. At the same time Father Flanagan had brought this idea to the forefront before Mr. Cathy, although there is no mention of it on the wikipedia article. You see, Edward first began with homeless men, trying to help them get rid of their alcohol addictions etc. But he realized there wasn't much he could do to reform a man set in his ways, so he focused his attention on children.

I really don't know where I'm trying to go with this post, but I suppose it's dividing that fine line of giving up on people...

I just finished To Kill A Mockingbird, and I really appreciated Atticus and the way he raised Jem and Scout. Maybe it was his demeanor, maybe it was the way he stuck to his beliefs about treating everyone the same. Either way, he wasn't about to let his children speak ill of another person, no matter how much he wished that "Bob Ewell wouldn't chew tobacco."

this is twice now...

So I congratulate myself for already having a great fail at the beginning of the week. Time for a short story.

As you may know I have been anticipating jury duty tomorrow morning. In preparation for this, and in conjunction with making sure I'm still able to take my scooter, I made reservations at Casa de Moore - a fine establishment in the heart of beautiful Costa Mesa. These reservations were for a one night stay on carpeted flooring, a luxury I was much looking forward to. You see, it was either this or taking my scooter back home to spend the night in my comfy bed. If I were to have taken my scooter home, then it would have meant driving back from Costa Mesa, as I was already going to be there, to home where I would spend the night, and then scooting all the way back up past Costa Mesa to Santa Ana where my prospective juror status awaits me.

So after a wonderful dinner of steak and crab legs at my grandparent's house I trekked over to my house to pick up the few things I would need for my night's stay. Toothbrush, check. Underwear, check. Shirt, check. Sweatshirt, check. Book, check. I was ready to go! So with backpack in hand full of goodies I made my way back up to Costa Mesa. Alas, there was only one problem, one I didn't realize until I was comfortably relaxing...and that was that I had forgotten my jury summons paper which included my juror badge and juror id number. 

Wait for it.....................FAIL.

I frantically checked online to see if there was any way of bypassing this small necessity, but sigh - not answer was to be found on the world wide web. (Not to mention the Orange County juror page needs some serious updating). In this day and age I should be able to find out any information I could ever want to know, yet I suppose there are just some things we're not ever supposed to know the answer to. So instead of spending the night thirteen miles away from my destination, I now get to spend it at home, a mere twenty-nine miles away. 

I suppose it's for the better - I was able to get twenty miles of refreshing sea air, which was surprisingly not as cold as I thought it would be. Not only that, but now I figure I'll drive my car around  all day tomorrow because let's face it, I don't want to scoot for an hour when it will only take me thirty five minutes driving.

Let's just pray there's no traffic.

epitome of hyperbole...

i have jury duty tomorrow. no wait, monday. the courts aren't open on sundays...probably not best to commit a crime on a friday. or on any day for that matter. but let's get to the point. i'm watching brian regan on comedy central right now (thanks CoRri) and if you haven't heard him before then i suggest you fix that. he's clean, and he's funny. in my book, that's a good combination for a comedian. 

i had to laugh though, because he had a small bit where he was talking about how everyone is trying to one-up the other person when trying to get out of jury duty. this one guy was a victim of however many crimes and the guy after him was one of that many more. reminds me somewhat of kristen wiig. (that's right i gave you two different links. i'm awesome like that).

anyway i'm hoping that the best thing to do is just sit and look young and stupid and maybe the prosecutor won't pick me, because hey - they're guilty if they're making me sit there and listen to them. oh what a great citizen i am.

in other news i think i'm going to be a political satirist - it might be the best way to go.

wake me up before you go-go...

Either I'm super excited to know I start another job today after a four month hiatus, or I love the way my hair looks. Either way, my teeth could use some straightening, but that's beside the point. The sun is already making its way through the fog layer, I must congratulate it for doing such a good job this early in the morning. 

I'm eager to see what working at starbucks actually looks like. You can only hear so many things from others working there until the only way to truly know is to, well, know. And then of course there's interacting with people again and dealing with distraught customer's whose coffee is not perfect. 

But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

we can be good...

i've finally got my car back after a month or so hiatus, and immediately i felt the repercussions. i think it's still sunny and warm enough to be scooting around, at least for now. hopefully it will stay that way for a while. 

i start working at starbucks tomorrow. that's right, the so-called corporate conglomerate of coffee. i'm not sure if it's just the orientation or if i'll actually have to start learning how to brew coffee and steep tea. okay, so i know how to steep tea - as a matter of fact i'm doing that right now (tea-minus three minutes and counting). nothing like a nice hot cup of caffeine in the middle of the night.

to kill a mockingbird has gone slowly for me. i've only been reading one chapter at a time but i'm still enjoying it. time is going to start speeding up as soon as i start working, and it's quite possible my time to read will begin to diminish...it only makes sense.

(my tea is done and it's delicious. praise the Lord for my south african heritage! [even if it is british tea...])

in other news, i had a good conversation with my brother yesterday. we rarely talk, and our opportunities for actual constructed sentences are few and far between. i also had a nice talk with my mum this afternoon; ranging from relationships to politics and her desire to have the ability to actually one day vote in the country she's been living in for the past 34 years.

bluetooth...

I've had the apple bluetooth keyboard for almost a year now, and I must say it is a pretty dandy contraption. Funny thing is, I don't use it that much, seeing that it's much easier to type on the keyboar of the laptop, being able to see the screen and all. Yet, I know one of these days (not anytime soon mind you) I'm going to buy a flatscreen monitor. How exciting huh?

[Okay so let's face it, I'm not the greatest writer. Many times I won't even post because I think to myself - oh I don't have anything good to say, or I have no idea where I want to start, and who knows if I'll even be able to get a point across. But I figure in order to write well you have to keep writing, even if your first however many years are bland and mundane. That's okay though, I'm not published, I doubt I ever will be, and I don't really have a desire to.]

My room is almost officially clean. You should have seen it these past couple of days, literally an inferno of mess. All I have left is to vacuum the floor and put away a couple small things. I'm excited to have a clean room again, the only problem is I know that it has the ability to somehow get messy again in less than a week.  I'm going to do my best to fix that though, one short day at a time. Or maybe should I say one article of clothing at a time?

It's amazing how much more at peace I feel when something as simple as my room is clean.  It's brings a nice sigh of relief to me, and for that I am grateful. Oddly enough, with a clean room my life seems to go along more smoothly as well. (I suppose that has something to do with the whole peace thing.)

I like peace.

scoot scoot...

I don't know if it will work, but I'm going to try and blog every day of this month. Dream big right?

Have I ever mentioned that I love that the "labels for this post" examples at the bottom of the new entry page contains scooters? I do. Because I love my scooter. My nameless scooter. You'd think after four years together I'd be kind enough to name the poor thing. I've taken it through enough pain and suffering to at least give it the common decency of a proper noun.

Little known facts about my scooter, for those of you possibly wishing to help in this naming game:

- only one mirror on the left side, the other is broken off and won't be fixed soon

- scratches on the right side of body, broken footpeg on right

- color silver

- official name is a Piaggio LT 150 (LT stands for Liberty)

- Italian made, gas powered, and AWESOME

Just a few things, most of you who read this have seen it many a time anyway, so really, I just need your help.

:)

umbrellas...

.you were meant for amazing things.

Early morning fog today. Made for a damp ride up the coast. No matter how many times I take that ride I don't think I'll ever get sick of it. Sure there will be times when I'll wish I was at my destination earlier than when I will arrive, but there is beauty in the ocean as well as the rolling hills of asphalt. 

I can't count the number of times I travelled from Dana Point to Costa Mesa via PCH. I'd have to say the majority of my 14,000+ miles have been spent going back and forth between these two cities. You'd think I'd get bored of the monotonous lights and shops and cars, but really I've come to find out it's not as bad as it seems.

Especially now.

command-v fail...

i had a long quote from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind written here. for some reason blogger doesn't like it when you copy/paste. 

so the quote is gone. and so is any effort to try and explain it.

a paper bag...

I'm starting to read again. This can only be a good thing. I still have yet to finish all those books I talked about a couple years ago, but I'm sure with time I'll go back to them and read them. Last week I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and although I'd like to read it again to write about what I thought about it, I decided to read all the books that were mentioned within its pages.

I read The Great Gatsby the next couple of days after that, and now after a short trip down to my library I picked up To Kill a Mockingbird among many others.  The library didn't have two of the books mentioned in Perks, but I'm sure I'll be able to pick those up when the time comes. 

I think tomorrow calls for the beach and more of Mockingbird.

so now what...

it's not like i'm new to this
this life that God has so abundantly blessed me with
with friends, family and so much more
more than i deserve, more than i can imagine

imagine what God has in store for me
me, little 'ol me, what am i waiting for?
for a fanfare or a small movement of a rock?
rock my world God, that's all i can ask

ask me to follow you and i'll go
go where you lead me wherever it is
is that enough for me to wish?
wish it were that easy...



God use me. Show me something that isn't easy, that isn't mundane or repetitive. Give me something to chase after, something much more than I've ever experienced before. In you, and you alone I trust. My heart is yours.

chip off the old block...

A couple months ago I had all four wisdom teeth extracted. My reason for doing so was two-fold. First, my dental insurance was soon to disappear, and I figured I would save over a thousand dollars by not waiting any longer and using as much free money as I could. Second, my teeth were beginning to give me problems, I'm just not the type of person to get something fixed if it's not broken or causing me a substantial amount of pain.

Well everything went fine and dandy; I was put under during the operation - which was an experience in itself  - and was out of the dental office in seemingly no time at all. The dentist who performed the procedure told me they were able to perform the surgery with only one slight hiccough - a tiny piece of chipped tooth was stuck in my gums but it would not pose any problem as this happened "every now and then." I figured for $500 a tooth you'd be able to take out the whole thing, but I suppose with all that hammering and drilling you're bound to miss something. So my mom picked me up, we went to jamba juice and I bought me a smoothie. Or my mom bought me one - that sounds more like it. The holes in my mouth were healing, there were no dry sockets, and the swelling was minimal. Awesome.

About three weeks later though, I started getting a sharp pain in the lower left section where my tooth number thirty-eight had been extracted. I figured it wasn't something I should be worried about, and flew off to Arizona to spend time with my good friends AJ, Rhi and their son Coben. During the trip the pain seemed to get gradually worse and I told myself I would go back to the dentist to ask them about it. The day after I arrived home I called the dentist and was able to go see him that morning. He told me that it was most likely a bruise, although there was a very small chance that it could be some piece of food lodged in there which could be the problem. He told me to come back in two weeks, which I did, and by that time the swelling was gone and all was fine. Hallelujah.

Fast-forward to this Monday night. I had just finished playing a softball game in which we lost, not to mention I sprained my finger sliding head first into third base; but that's another story for another time. It was my teammate's birthday and we were having birthday cake for her after the game - which was a wonderful thing. Except of course for the fact that I wasn't in the mood for birthday cake after losing a softball game to a team who had a combined attitude of fail. Anyway, as I was eating my cake, my tongue brushed up against the healing hole of tooth number thirty-eight and I felt a sharp piece of...something. I wasn't sure of what it was, but I did realize that every time I pushed my tongue against it I was cutting my tongue little by little. 

I wondered what in the world could be stuck in my toothless hole, considering I couldn't recall eating anything sharp that would lodge itself there. Last night my tongue kept going back to it and I knew that I would either have to go back to the dentist to have them take a look at it or I would have to perform surgery myself. Being one that would rather take matters into his own hands, I woke up this morning, walked downstairs, grabbed a toothpick, and made my way back to the upstairs bathroom to perform surgery. With said toothpick in right hand I faced the mirror and opened my mouth to insert my high-tech dental instrument. Using the toothpick somewhat like a crowbar I dislodged the sharp something and let out a sigh of relief combined with a groan. (It was an interesting sound, ask my sister). 

Lo and behold - there in my hand sat the chip of my mandibular third molar aforementioned in paragraph two. My only complaint though is that I don't consider it to be a "tiny piece." No, not something that would "not pose any problem." Not only that, but I'm surprised that the dentist did not put two-and-two together: the first two being that they had left broken tooth in my mouth, and the second that I was experiencing pain in that same place. I'm just grateful to my little Chip though, because he decided to find his way out of the dark abscess where he resided for two months.

And yes, I've kept Chip so you can see what he looks like. I'm sure he'd be glad to meet you.

fhqwhgads...

so this time i bring only my best

'cause You deserve only this

temp-ing...

That's right folks, today I scooted my little butt over to AppleOne in hopes for a job.

Let them do the work for me right?

Right.

I told them I'm available for anything - I figure that way I'm guaranteed something in a minimal amount of time. Unless of course they have to search more jobs as a result of that. But that's their job correct? Correct.

Don't think of me as lazy, think of me as Gepetto, creating a live puppet instead of having to twist and turn the strings myself.

hugs...

People tell me I'm a good hug-giver.

I believe it to be true.

Now I just need someone to hug.

life in technicolor...

let's write.

frankly, i don't consider myself a writer at all. my grammar and typing etiquette aren't up to par and i don't figure they will be any time soon. fine by me though. all the more reason to just keep writing and writing, maybe one day i'll get better. actually, i've heard that if you read books you're more likely to be a better writer. makes perfect sense.

i promised a friend i would pick up a book this week and read it after their suggestion. i didn't. it's true i forgot but c'mon it's not like i didn't have anything pressing to do this week. the book's called the road less traveled; anyone heard of it?

my penny collection is slowly but surely rising. i've started adding dollar bills to my sparkletts jug, just to make it interesting...and the money is certainly adding up faster now. (duh). 

so my battery on my mac is pretty much ka-put. it's gone through 403 cycles these past two years and the guy at the mac store said they only replace them if they're less than a year old. well that's obviously not the case but right now i don't have the budget to spend $130 on a battery. i'll just have to keep it plugged in for now. i'd also like to buy another gig of memory and install leopard, but those will just have to wait. why oh why are computers so expensive. i could probably buy a semi-decent desktop for the $350 i want/need to put into my laptop.

that's about it for now, methinks i'm going to watch an episode of weeds and then go to bed.

oh - i recommend reading 1 John. that's good stuff.

change...

I have the strange feeling that blogger wants me to update or change or fiddle with my template. Yet I don't want to; so I won't.

Overall, I'm a fan of change - of course usually only when it's beneficial to me. (What a great American citizen I'm turning out to be).

Goodness I'm rambling - how utterly not exciting. 

I came to the realization today that I wanted to start reading more people's blogs on a regular basis.  Right now I'm at five and I want to double that by the end of the summer. That shouldn't be too hard now should it? I hope not. 

I'm excited, for a few things right now. 

this might be the end of me...

Leave it to corporate giants in our day and age to shut down any fun American citizens might have.

If you haven't guessed already, which I'm undoubtedly sure you haven't, I'm speaking of the heinous crime of Facebook shutting down Scrabulous as a result of Hasbro's incessant complaining that infringement upon copyright has been made. Read it HERE.

I'd like to quote Victor in his comment to this post: Productivity will soar with the Facebook Scrabulous application shut down. Those millions of us who cannot go a day without playing this wonderful version of the word game will be forced to find other pursuits..."

Maybe, just maybe, this will motivate me to get a job.

suresy...

Before July completely disappears on us I figure it's best to write a small little update.

I'm jobless.  Still.

I thank God for singleness. Still.

Jobhunting is never fun. Still.

Every Monday, like tonight, I play softball. I love it. 

le sigh...

I've been away for a while. And I apologize.

But I've had nothing to write lately.

Do they say that when you have nothing to write it's the best time to put words down on paper, or on a screen for this instance?

I don't know.

4/4...

What is it, with April the Fourth.

I would like to know.

Is it just me, and my yearly PMS?

Or is there more to it than that.

I may never know.

But a pox on you: 

the fourth day

of the fourth month.

And may those who tread with me on that day, forever tread lightly.

darkness...

...there's light no matter how dark the tunnel

no matter how broken, you'll be renewed...

Prayer.

let your love be strong...

in this world of news, i've found nothing new

i've found nothing pure

maybe i'm just idealistic to assume that truth

could be fact and form

that love could be a verb

maybe i'm just a little misinformed

as the dead moon rises, and the freeways sigh

let the trains watch over the tides and the mist

spinning circles in our skies tonight

let the trucks roll in from los angeles

maybe our stars are unanimously tired

let your love be strong, and i don't care what goes down

let your love be strong enough to weather through the thunder cloud

fury and thunder clap like stealing the fire from your eyes

all of my world hanging on your love

let the wars begin, let my strength wear thin

let my fingers crack, let my world fall apart

train the monkeys on my back to fight

let it start tonight

when my world explodes, when my stars touch the ground

falling down like broken satellites

let your love be strong, and i don't care what goes down

let your love be strong enough to weather through the thunder cloud

fury and thunder clap like stealing fire from your skies

all that i am hanging on, all of my world resting on your love

sooner than later...

if our thoughts were posted for all the world to see. 

we would be miserable. 

and yet. 

if people knew how we really felt.

things might be easier. 

oh sure - we'd probably all be locked up within a week if every single thought were released...or at least i would...

but the concept of it...

well you get the picture right?

why do words that need to be said, go unsaid for so long?

is it to save face? 

is it to do no harm? 

is it selfish? 

probably.

...

Words escape me. 

what now...

It's about that time again.  I'd like to start writing more on this here website actually...let's just see how it goes.

Today at work was a bummer of a day.  Long story short, I didn't get a small promotion - which in all actuality I didn't deserve, but I somehow thought that if I were to get it then I would start working harder.  I know that should never be the case; but over the past month I didn't do anything about it.  Foolish me.

So how do I feel about the whole situation? It's hard not to be totally and utterly pissed at myself.  I want to throw an effing pity-party for myself yet I know that's one of the worst things I could do.  I can kick myself in the pants, I certainly deserve that - it's just.  s.i.g.h.

Where's the spark James?  Where's the all-consuming fire that once burned bright?  What has been extinguished that was once ever so prevalent to everyone?  To your friends, your family, your co-workers.  Who are you trying to become?  What are you trying to find your identity in?  

A few of the guys from my church meet every Tuesday for breakfast at Coco's.  Community, I've found, has been one of the greatest encouragements to me lately.  We all decided it would be a good idea to write a personal mission statement to start off our year.  I thought I might add my rough draft here.  Just for the heck of it, you know.

I, James Pierce, strive to live a life that glorifies Christ. A man must decide whom he is going to follow. I will follow Christ and seek God's will in all I do. In order to do this I will devote time every day to reading the Bible as well as spending time in prayer.

As a son and a brother I desire to honor my parents in all I do.  I will allow my actions and attitude toward my parents be ones that give a positive roll model to my younger siblings.

As a co-worker I will strive to have an attitude that is uplifting and pleasing to God. I will not allow the attitude of others affect my own, as well as affect how I treat the children. I will see the children I work with as blessed and loved by God.

As a friend I strive to be honest and open in all I say and do. When I fail a friend I will not run, hide, or blameshift; but rather be truthful about my actions and in doing so continually have a higher standard of living.

a world of pure imagination...

I haven't written in a while.

Last month flew by.  I feel like I didn't accomplish anything.  I almost got a great job offer but wasn't qualified enough to do any of it.  I've got a friend working at Trader Joe's who makes more in 30 hours than I do in 40.  I'm trying not to be pessimistic, it's oh so difficult.

My friends seem to be overly focused on girls right now.  To the point where one of them took a girl out last night and another is taking her out tonight.  I don't get it - and they better clear that up before something happens to where they get mad at one another.

Another person semi-laughed at me about the fact that I'm saving pennies to buy my future wife's wedding ring with.  I've been collecting for almost four years now and my sparkletts jug is slowly but surely becoming heavier...it's certainly true that a penny saved is a penny earned.  

I'm excited for this new year though.  Really I am - I'm aiming to read the Bible in a year with my friend Colin (the one mentioned in the first two paragraphs).  I'm also going to have a new job within my company in the next few months, or at least I think I am.  

Maybe I'll move to Mexico.

ruby...

cry little girl. cry.

cry long and hard.

don't stop crying.

life is. not. fair.

yesterday this. tomorrow that.

what will break you.

what will push you over the edge.

i pray it nothing you ever find.

your life. is meaningful.

your world. it seems. crashes down.

every damn day.

every minute there is pain.

there is loss.

you deserve none of it.

you deserve LIFE.


i cry. for you. now i weep.

be strong little girl.

hold fast. to something. to truth. to love.

you know love. to lose is to love.

but damn the man who made it that way.

may he be eternally damned to the deepest part of hell.


why you.

why my beautiful ruby.

why. why. why. why. why.

fire...

Many of you know that California is ablaze right now with over 300 square miles already burned; that's bigger than Chicago people. It's hard not to find humor in the situation, as sometimes it's our only way of saying that we care. I find that odd though; as I do for many other situations where humor is used in place of true fear or worry. Even so, eating breakfast with my friends this morning I had to point out a new item on the Coco's menu. Eggs on Fire. I didn't order them, I figured that would be too deserving of hell points, but true, I did make a conscious effort to point them out.

All this reminds me of though, is when our house caught on fire back in '99. We lost almost everything from the water and smoke damage, and it was a trying time for my family. The worst part was at the very beginning when I was driving home and wasn't allowed in my cul-de-sac because a big fire truck was blocking the entrance. As I drove past I saw my house on fire. That's something I would never wish on anyone. Ever. Or was the worst part calling my work and telling them I couldn't come into work that day because my house was on fire, and them asking if I could come in later in the afternoon. Hmmm...

In other news, today is such a beautiful day that I would love to spend it outside, but this smoke and haze surrounding us is not particularly beneficial to anyones health. And I appreciate my health enough to realize I need to clear the mess that is in my room to bring me a little more peace in life.

And to bring joy to my mum.

workaholic extraordinaire...

It seems whenever I find myself working, I do so for long periods of time. This is no fault of my own mind you, I'm only required to show up during my regularly scheduled work week. But therein lies the problem, as I'm usually only scheduled four days out of the week, and two of those days somehow always end up being twelve hours of work. This can be nice at times, especially when I'm scheduled three twelve-hour days; leaving room for one day with only four hours to be around for. Trust me, in a four hour shift there's really not much you can do. And if you do end up doing all the work that needs to get done, you're finished before you realize. Not so with working twelve hours in a row.

Today was one of those work days that seemed to drag on and on and on. I found myself walking in circles more than once, and when I told my mom this when I got home she suggested walking in triangles and squares next time; something I'll have to do. I was productive once or twice, for I picked up four kids from school and was gracious enough to bring them back home. I also helped a couple kids wash their hands after going to the bathroom and I helped a girl with her homework before I left tonight.

The best part today though, was all the comments I got on my bow-tie. I had a small whim to wear it today, and I'm so very glad I did because of all the monotonous work that seemed to trickle a little faster with my humorous attire. My co-workers called me a nut, especially because it wasn't an ordinary black bow-tie but a plaid one, and I was given a few weird looks picking up four kids from school wearing jeans and a dress shirt con bow-tie. I admired it though, and yet thankfully not more so than the children with whom I work. One kid, who shall rename nameless for now out of the protection of the innocent, kept flicking it and saying bow-die, not being able to truly pronounce his t's yet. And another thought it silly enough to laugh at every time she saw me, but maybe that's just because she does that anyway.

All in all, it was a good day, even if it was one of my longer days. Besides, it just makes me look forward to the few eight-hour days I have every once in a while, and even more so the four-hour ones.

So here's to work, and here's to amusing attire, may they coincide and bring joy to our lives.

losing lisa...

tonight i cried for a friend.
not because of loss, or uncertainty.
but because of their life, their choices.

if they were to ask me.
if i looked down on them.
i'd say no, not at all.

because i don't.
but i still hurt.
i still wish they knew the truth.

and so i live, my life.
in a way that would bring light.
to a lost and dying world.

so as not to lose lisa.

silence...

eyes searching in hope of
what?
a wink, a faltering lip?
a face to be non-existent for the rest of time

written words greeted with silence
never to be seen by another's eyes
so they sit - hidden away forever
it's best that way, you know

to keep feelings bottled up inside
to keep emotion hidden from the world
when do you know if it's ever real
where is the hope that once seemed ever present

i'm losing at this game of life
batting .000 in a world full of failures
and yet they aren't seen as failures at .300
how odd the ways of man

i smile, and laugh, at my immaturity
but the laughter goes unnoticed, even by myself
rainfall makes more noise on a blanket of snow
than the echoes of my cachinnation

bounder of adventure...

I got another blogger...

So check it out - I'll write about my soon to be travels on it and such.

I'm not leaving here - I just can't keep one for some reason...

So HERE you go.

:)

monkey island...

I finally got Monkey Island 1 to work on my N800. This is going to do wonders for my plane ride across the country in four days. It'll also do wonders to killing my time whenever I'm bored.

But it took a while. To begin with, Monkey Island only just became freeware at the end of April, but I didn't find this out until just now after digging a little deeper than before. I actually don't think I had searched for it again since the middle of April, but I can't be too certain. Thanks to web forums and helpful downloads from fanoush I was able to download both MI 1 & 2, and have them forever...

In other news, I'm leaving in four days for Europe, and I couldn't be more excited. I'll try to keep you updated as much as I can on my trip - I'll have internet everywhere I go thanks to the N800 once again, but who knows how often I'll post.

Until then,

Godspeed.

meh...

I don't know what to say. I was just given a raise at my job after working there for a year and it was for forty-three cents. I don't know whether to laugh or be completely frustrated and mad at the whole situation.

Ugh...

Update - I don't know if I can be mad really, considering it's more than some people are given. Sigh - I just needed to vent....

house-sitting...

Since the 27th of July I have been house-sitting for two different families. It's been nice, because I get to have my own house to live in for almost a month, and I get paid to eat their food. Another advantage is that I've been closer to work both times, and that is always a nice thing. I need the money too, as I'm on my way to Europe in less than two weeks. This is a much needed trip and I'm definitely looking forward to being away from work and America for three weeks. I keep joking with my co-workers that I'm going to give my two-weeks notice when I'm in Ireland, but alas I know that won't happen; unless of course I find some beautiful Italian woman and decide to spend the rest of my life in Italy.

Only God knows...

california dreaming part ii...

a dream?

I JUST had a dream that I was walking around the streets of New York and there was this younger girl who came out of her apartment quite tipsy so my friend and I stopped her from getting into her car. She began to throw a fit but I held onto her until we could call the cops. As I was grabbing for her keys she slipped away and ran into a twisted maze of alleys and dark streets but I was able to catch up to her once or twice. She ran into her kid brother while I was chasing her and they managed to slip away, but I still had her keys and knew she wouldn't be driving anytime soon. For some reason I also had a poster that I took from her which was from the National History Museum so instead of going to the police I went to a security guard in the NHM and gave him the poster and the keys. As I was leaving the museum I realized that for some reason I wasn't wearing a shirt and to get out of the building faster in order not to get in trouble I jumped into a small opening of an office which just happened to be the security guards office. Not only that, but there was a pane of hard plastic covering the opening so I smashed my face into it. I tried to laugh as I pushed myself away from the quasi-window to humor the guards, but their looks were far from amused. As I made my way to a nearby table to sit down and feel my hurting mouth, I saw my friend Alvin taking a security guard exam for the museum. Just then, I was surrounded by a half a dozen guards who demanded I show them my shirt which had miraculously appeared and so I did. It was a European soccer jersey and they were getting mad at me for having it. I was trying to convince the guard not to arrest me and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to tell him my mum was from South Africa. That did not go over well at all, he said that was probably the worst thing I could have told him, and he began questioning me. I was still feeling quite sore from my jaw hitting that pane but was able to remember enough to show him I wasn't some kind of terrorist or something. I really don't know what I was going to convince him of, but I thought anything could work. I told him what the date was and around what time it was and as I did that I thought in my head - I should open my eyes and see what's really going on. (This was the part of the dream where I thought I could snap out of it and be awake for a split second to make sure everything was fine and then go back to sleep). I opened my eyes to my dad asking me the same questions as the security guard was - what day it was, what my name was; and I asked him what was wrong. He and my mom kept murmuring in my room and all I could catch was "that plate should be enough to catch all of the blood." My mouth was in pain still and I felt for blood around my face and there was none so I wondered what they were talking about. I was angry because they weren't telling me what was wrong, and I wasn't finding out what had happened to my face. I thought I had gotten into a scooter accident and was angry at myself for allowing that to happen. I grabbed my scooter from outside and drove it out to a place where I could push it off a cliff. As I gave it just enough gas to roll off the cliff I realized that it wasn't going to fall far (I must have picked a bad cliff) and so it barely got damaged but it still satisfied me a little - if only for consolation of my jaw. My dad came driving up and my mom yelled at me to look over the other side of the cliff. She kept saying, "your sister!, your sister!" Sure enough there was Kate's old car lying hundreds of yards below us. I looked over just in time to see her friends pulling her out of the car and setting her down to keep her calm. I had no idea if she was okay or if her friends were okay or what the heck was going on. I saw my brother Ethan in the car with my parents with just a dumbfounded look on his face, as if he were imagining this as much as I was. I also saw a two year-old I recognized and he said "hi" to me and I said "hi" back, and there was another smaller baby there as well. I went over to my mom and noticed she was bleeding, hence the blood they were talking about earlier, and she mentioned something about pills of some sort but I was too confused to listen. I asked her, "mom, am I dreaming? Am I dreaming, because this is way too real, slap me, please slap me." And as she slapped me, I think that's about the time I woke up. I sat up in my bed and said - "that. was. horrible."

I thought I should write this down. It's not too often when I have dreams that are so vivid and clear. I swore to myself when I opened my eyes that first time, to hear my dad trying to bring me back to comprehension, that I was awake; and that it was just a bad dream and my jaw would stop hurting. When the pain didn't go away I was even more confused; I thought something had fallen on my head while I was sleeping and that my parents were doing the best they could to calm me. I didn't get why all this was happening, and all so fast. It didn't make sense but I didn't have time to be rational about anything and I began blaming anything and everything I could think of to blame. It was REAL - I've never had a dream feel so real before that when I finally did question it as I was dreaming, my answer was given to me in another dream (consequently the same one) and my fear of it being real was calmed for a brief second until the pain in my face came back. And for now, that's really all I have to say.

Good night.

next contestant please...

It'd be interesting to see how much I'd have to make in order to rent an apartment and successfully live here in Orange County.

Sometimes I wonder how in the world I'm going to get by - with what I do and how much I get paid and where I live. I think if maybe I moved to Montana or Nebraska I might just have a chance at sleeping in my own apartment at night. Yet at the same time I know God is in control and He will provide for me. But do I feel that he will provide or do I truly know it?

I've been reading Screwtape Letters with guys from my church and C.S. Lewis was certainly a brilliant man. He speaks about us feeling forgiven and feeling courageous, but not truly knowing that we are. He also brings up the subject of our knowledge of who God is and who we have conceived him to be in our own minds....

Chew, chew, chew....

And in the wise words of Winnie the Pooh - "Think, think, think..."

fool...

sitting. waiting. for what.

a knock on the door? a phone call? anything?

but really - what's to be lost. all that has been gained - can it still be counted as gain?

and if something lost is forever gone - should it be treated as if it had no worth?



people care. and i ignore. i walk through each day with no destination. no point in stepping forward.

i fill my body mind and soul with things worthless.


some men achieve greatness, others have greatness thrust upon them - maybe i'll unsuspectingly walk into greatness one day.


today i'm far from it.

because work is...heartbreaking...

maybe you don't understand it, what keeps them awake at night
what goes through their little minds when you turn off the light?
always having to say sorry tears are stained on the pillow
like the light of the moon they can't be one
can't exist without the son

let's think clearly for a while
can he shine without a smile?

why am I alone with no one to be found?
looks like they know what's best for me
why doesn't anybody like me, I don't understand?
guess I'll have to crawl inside and I don't know why
i'm sitting by myself, when the problem isn't mine

been around the block a few times, been beat up by all his friends
learning life is like a maze that never seems to end
like an open book, blank pages left for only him to write
life is short this chapter takes so long
can't tell the right from the wrong

it's so hard for you to place
an expression on his face

why am I alone with no one to be found?
looks like they know what's best for me
why doesn't anybody like me, I don't understand?
guess I'll have to crawl inside and I don't know why
i'm sitting by myself, when the problem isn't mine

why doesn't anybody like me, I don't understand
why my friends and family left me
at six years old he won't be taught a meaning to this mess
he'll just have to take a guess, and make his own plan
and we'll never see the child that was forced to be a man

twenty-four...

I should be asleep right now, I mean it's the one day I've gotten to sleep in for the past week. But no, considering the fact that I've had to wake up at 5 am these past three days, I figured as I went to bed last night that I wouldn't get much sleep. But thankfully I only woke up at 6, so that's an improvement. (Not if you take into consideration the fact that I went to bed at midnight, but let's just leave that out of the picture).

There's no cake, there's no ice cream; happy birthday.

this sorta thing part deux...

Didn't think I'd been given much of a choice anyway. 'Cept, really, the choice is entirely up to me. I fail a lot. And many a time I let my failures define who I am. I think that has a large impact on all of my relationships. People around me notice it. I notice it.

sometime one time in a lifetime

So many chances though. Chances to change, chances to make a difference in something...anything. And yet no opportunities fully grasped or taken advantage of. Definition of man? Definition of me? No, not a true one.

this sort of thing could blow your mind

'Tis as simple as that. And I know....I know, I know, I know - it's going to do more than just that. Freedom. In life, in any idea that I have some standard to live up to, to live how others expect my life to end up. When it comes down to it, I'm the only one standing at the deep end.

or change everything

To put it lightly I suppose. I don't expect a dramatic change in anything. No text-book miracle or plagiarized expose. A slight bend in the road, a shift of the quiescent x-axis. But time is money these days, and you'd think anyone and everyone would want an immediate about-face. I can't do that...

so here, here we go again:
should i move right or left
or just step back to check if i missed a step
oh no, you can never be too sure when forever's on the line
forever passed me by a hundred times tonight

Godspeed.

this sorta thing...

i, i've got a hunch that we will never be the same. these things tend to change - everything.

I had a wonderful weekend. The kind of weekend that makes you think - yes, this is why I care about my relationship with God so much. But I really didn't think that. I don't know what I was thinking.

like a pause just to glance, or a choice, or just a chance

We got on the topic of 'once saved always saved' and it was interesting to see what my friends had to say. I don't want to get into that on here, but it is definitely an interesting discussion whenever it takes place.

and we were never ready for this anyway

I enjoy talking about my faith. My reason for living and the things I believe in. But whenever I talk about it, in the back of my head, I think - I am not living this life at all. I am to be compared with white-washed tombs if anything. My Pharisaical life is not to be envied my friends.

well come on, come on it's about time jump on in before you change your mind

Jump on in? As if.....as if I could do that with any strength I had. Strength? Life? What a confusing thing. Where have I been these past eight years? I'm not sure I could answer that.

no promises on this sort of thing.

TBC

n800 first thoughts...

Well, I've been sitting fooling around with my new N800 now for a little over two hours, and I really haven't gotten anywhere.

To begin with, this is an internet tablet, used mainly for connecting to the internet. At the same time though, it is a very user-friendly device which has hundreds of programs available to install and use for your own enjoyment. Back to the INTERNET part of it though. The wireless network in my house seemingly works well, my only problem being that the "wep password" I enter doesn't seem to work. This is frustrating because I tried the same thing yesterday and it wouldn't connect with my mac as well.

Secondly, there is an update needed immediately for better video performance, bluetooth connection, browser stability, and touchscreen interface. This took me the better part of these past two hours considering the only update I found was for windows which I just so happened to delete from my computer yesterday. I found a linux version and tried to get that to work, but upon trying to execute the file, well let's just say I failed. Thankfully my sister was kind enough to let me use her computer to install the update installer on her computer, and now I'm up and running on the bigger and better version.

I'd say more but I need the internet for most everything else...hopefully that will be fixed sooner than later.

Update: As of now at 5:38 p.m. the internet is working.

I'm looking forward to downloading Monkey Island to play on here, as well as music files and all sorts of goodies.

a recent conversation...

Me: But I promise I will not open it until I receive the box.
Amazon: That's very comforting. But I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.
Me: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a loyal customer.
Amazon: No good. I've known too many loyal customers.
Me: You don't know any way you'll trust me?
Amazon: Nothing comes to mind.
Me: Oh....

And so I sit, and check amazon's tracking status for my N800, only to be reminded that it left Dallas on the 10th at 10:56 p.m.

Sigh....

Update: As of 11:33 p.m. tonight the N800 is approx 1 hr. 6 min. away. Does this mean I'll have it tomorrow? We shall see...

la tierra...

planet earth is an amazing documentary.

that one would think all this came into existence because of chaos crashing together is....ignorant.

ignorant of truth. of what it means to acknowledge an intelligent creator creating.

me.

and you.


and yet i still find myself being selfish enough to believe that and yet distance myself from a God of mercy and grace who sees me as more than a conquerer.

581...

I've had almost 600 profile views, which isn't a big number by any means but what I find interesting is the fact that I only have three people who comment on this site.

Maybe they've each looked at my profile 200 times?

I don't care about comments or viewers, really I don't. But don't you ever wonder who is reading your blog?

It would be an interesting discovery I'm sure if that answer were revealed, but for now in this day and age people appreciate anonymity and secrecy.

I need to start writing more, methinks. I actually need to start reading more but that goes to show...I'm not good at reading on a consistent basis.

My cousin writes a lot, and reads a lot I'm sure. His stuff is actually interesting, in my mind. So if you want to read some of his thoughts and quips, take a look HERE, or click on the name "Tim" under my links.

Thanks for your time. Hopefully more will come soon.

AN-I-MAL!

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal." - C.S. Lewis

destination beautiful...

it hurts. this soul of mine.
endlessly searching for greatness.
finding none.

mind over matter.
what matters is my mind.
violently swerving left and right.
when all it needs is a straight line.

whatever happened to today.
tomorrow will never exist.
today. it's all i have.
so simple and yet.

sloth. lazy. tired.
my eternal damnation.
forever mine to live with.
where is the flame that once burned bright.

a spark at most.
but still ignited.
not extinguished.
not yet.

give me one good chance.
one chance to fail.
and i probably will.
again and again.

but i won't be defined.
by thoughts and ponderings.
actions and deeds yes.
and through the eyes of Another.

my feelings are selfish.
whenever has someone been so blessed.
to only throw it away.
for fear of losing nothing owned.

this ride is far from ending.
a u-turn here and there yes.
but destination beautiful.

plastic smile...

i've been doing nothing but work lately
and that's not necessarily a bad thing
but at the same time it can wear on you
like a bad habit that you wish would just disappear
and at times i wish it would all go away
the work - the tiredness - the passing boredom every now and then

i'm spontaneous
and at the same time monotonously calculated
on mondays you'll find me doing nothing
tuesdays waking up early for an hour of fellowship with friends
wednesdays working for too many hours in a row
thursdays the same
fridays the same
saturdays the same
sundays going to church and starting over again

why do i want to buy a car?
i want to go somewhere and do something
why do i want to find another job?
to feel more useful with the time i "waste"
why do i want to move?
for a change of scenery whilst despising the idea of spending more money
why is my body sore all over?
because i'm lazy, slothy, and haven't run or stretched in almost over 2 years
why did i just answer the phone when it was someone i didn't want to talk to?
to have a human to talk to; rather than this unintelligent computer screen

i've been told to seek first the kingdom of God
and then everything else will fall into place
all in good time though right?

sometimes i think if i won the lottery things would go well
but i know they wouldn't
probably farther from well than i've ever been



i'm no better than you
i'm no worse than you
strip this plastic smile...
i'm still stuck in my skin just like you

innocence...

could it be...

"Could it be that you are hiding from what love calls you to?" - W.D.

Yeah.

.................................................................................

az musings...

I spent the past two days with two very wonderful friends I've come to know and love. Who would have thought that on February 14th of 2003 I would meet AJ Teaters and end up as his best man in his wedding on June 2nd of 2006. As for Rhiannon, I've had the pleasure of knowing her longer but I realized this weekend that I truly love these two people.

I love Mikey, I love my family, and I love AJ and Rhiannon. Call it a short list of people to truly know you love, but there is an existing bond there that I know will not be broken.

And all it took was some Rocky Mountain Oysters...

an outlandish christmas wish list...

I usually don't do Christmas Wish Lists, only because I don't like receiving gifts from people. I've got to work on that though, so I thought to myself - "Hey, why not put all the expensive things you want out for the public eye to see, that way A - you won't get anything, or B - you can tell who your true friends are by how much they spend on you at Christmas time."

So here it is, James' wish list 2006:

The Complete Monty Python's Flying Circus 16-Ton Megaset
Band of Brothers
New International Commentary on the New Testament
Nikon D80 Digital SLR Camera
The Muppet Show - Season One

I'll add to it as time comes along...but for now I think that's good enough...

nanowrimo...

National Novel Writing Month

50,000 Words.
30 Days.
1 Author.


Here's to me.

then again...

Life goes on.

And I love my job.

And I can't complain.

And I won't.

signs of the end times...

When your work won't let you switch schedules with someone because they need a FOURTH person to work from 7-9 pm on a Saturday night when most of the kids are in bed.

"It's for the kids."

california dreaming...

For the past month and a half I have been driving a 1968 Volkswagen Beetle. It's been a blast and I think I might buy it in February. Ever since I've been driving it I have been annoyed that the turn signals don't work and the windshield wipers haven't moved when I turn their designated button. I've been playing with the wires and nothing has seemed to happen, so I thought maybe I should buy new bulbs or something to that extent. But I have yet to buy new bulbs...

Last night I had a dream that I took the bug to an old volkswagen junkyard and spoke to the elderly man there running it. We got to talking and he connected me with my grandpa whom he knew from long ago. I told him I was in need of some working parts because I wanted a fully functioning car. He had be test the turn signals and windshield wipers for him and as all dreams seem to go - they worked.

I woke up this morning with a few minutes to spare to dash off to work, and as I was backing out of my parking spot I decided I should try my turn signals again. I jiggled them a little bit and then suddenly they start click-clicking and I look at the reflection of the rear of my car on another car and sure enough there is a faint yellow flashing going on. I was quite amazed and I very glad indeed that my dreams sometimes do actually have something to do with my life. I plan to look into this more...

Oh yes, I tried my windshield wipers later today and sure enough - they work as if they've never been disabled.

Dream on.

musik...

I like finding old music that I used to listen to that I like.

Right now it's the cd "Long Line of Leavers" by Caedmon's Call. I am reminded of life on the 4th floor of Huntington Hall in 2002-2003. I am reminded of why I like Caedmon's Call so much.

Thanks Nathan, for having good music on your iTunes.

it's been a while...

You're right...I've been gone for a while. And I suppose that's my own problem, not anyone elses really. I've started working. I don't remember when the last time I worked 40 hrs. a week was. I've done a month of it already and right now I feel exhausted. You think you can handle certain things and then your body just shuts down - lets you know it's finished, it's had it. My body let me know that this past week. I got sick (from the kids I work with) and I'm still not back to 100%. I think though...for the past month, I've been living off my own strength for the ALL of it.

And that's not right.

That's never right.

Not to pawn my strength off on God or anything, but in a small sense of reality that's what I'm doing. But the funny thing is, that's what I'm supposed to do. The joy of the Lord is supposed to be my strength, not anything else. Not work, not food, not sleep. The JOY OF THE LORD. When was the last time I experienced the joy of the Lord? A month? Half a year? A year ago? My past has become to faded with memories and uncertainties that I really can't say. Today though. Today I'm here and the joy of the Lord IS going to be my strength. I can't do it without his help. I can't do what I feel he has called me to do without him walking alongside me - I feel like I'm doing something wrong if I work like that. I can't love these children if I am not daily walking with my Father, telling him how I feel about work, about life. These children do not need me to be there and care for them. They need a loving God who loves them no matter what they've gone through.

I am far from that.

But God isn't. And I can share God's love - not superficial love that I think will suffice for 12 hours in a day, but the pure love of God that comes unexpectedly and undeservingly. God has placed me in a situation where I can either glorify him or become a workaholic - continually thinking of when I'll receive my next paycheck and how angry I'll be at the government for taking 20% of my hard earned-money. Praise be to God for blessing me with a job. Praise be to God for giving me an income. Praise be to God for he and he only is worthy of our praise.

In short - I'm sick of this, God - lead the way.

speechless...

Please my friends - pray with me.

I can't get into too much detail because of confidentiality reasons, but there are three brothers who are up for adoption where I work. Right now the Social Service Sytem is thinking of placing them in a same-sex couple's home, where they openly say they will teach the boys to live a homosexual lifestyle.

I'll let you know what happens - they'll be with us at least until the 25th, but only God knows what will happen after that.

Thank you.

mexico...

It's been two years since I've been to Mexico with my church.

I think this week is going to be random for some reason. I'm not quite sure why.

I'm excited to go but...well, just give me some orphans to love on and I'll be set.

And God, be with Oscar, wherever he may be...

reason to sing...

Days pass quickly, more than one might wish for at times. And yet too often I forget to take a moment to look around. Small children running through sprinklers, an old couple slowly walking down a quiet path, hand in hand. And where am I? Am I just passing through, trying to reach the next leg of the race? Or are there days when I finally realize I am a part of the beauty of it all. The beauty that is life.

Today I find myself sitting quietly, allowing a gentle breeze to brush against my face as if to say "peace be with you." These birds chirping around me are not in the slightest bit concerned about what they will be doing tomorrow, the thought probably won't even form in their small minds until it is too late. Tomorrow will be today, and they will continue to sing.

I long to sing on days like this. The sun is shining through non-existent clouds while trees move to and fro as if dancing to some distant melody. That melody is caught by the breeze and carried by me, and as it swirls around me, I open my mouth...

and sing.

reflection...

Lately I've been living in my own little world. It's been good, mind you, but at the same time there's a small nagging in the back of my mind that goes something along the lines of - "Hey, give Me a little of your time."

I suppose that's not really too hard for one to ask.
Or do for that matter.

So why does the littlest time feel like eons that I will be wasting?


God I'm selfish.

God's timing...

I've come to the realization that God's timing is much more perfect than any of my planned out activities for the next week, month, or year.

I have quite a few examples of this, but most importantly I know that God will work everything for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Maybe this only works when hindsight is 20/20, but I had an idea during this past year that God was intricately weaving small threads of his plan into my life.

And looking back over these past six months I see nothing but grace and provision in EVERY aspect of my life. With new friends, a stronger love for my family, and even a couple marriages I have seen how God yearns to show me his love. Whether it be as simple as a hug from a loved one or a smile from a stranger, God makes himself known to me.

I was asked today how I had been treating God, and my answer wasn't what I would have liked it to be, but it was honest - and in a way I was giving myself a small tap on the shoulder reminding myself that I needed some QT with my Creator. It's so easy for me to fall out of any routine I may have started with devotionals or prayers, etc. and sometimes I wonder why. But at the same time God does not change and his view of me is no less, which gives me a peace that comforts my stressed out life.

I like peace.

middle of nowhere...

Boredom hits best when all objectives for the day come crashing to a grinding halt as a result of a simple migraine headache. Sure, I've been told they're not migraines, that they're simply headaches that affect every aspect of my being, but I refuse to believe they're "intense headaches." Simply because they don't happen that often and when they do they make the rest of my day miserable.

This one most definitely came out of the middle of nowhere, considering I hadn't had one like this the entire year. It could simply be a result of stress, I failed to mention it came right after I realized I wasn't supposed to be at jury duty today but tomorrow, after driving up to Santa Ana at 6:30 in the morning. And the way back was no better, getting lost on sidestreets to find a detour to the 22 which I took the wrong way, to finally find myself on the 405 S stuck in stop and go traffic. If that's not enough to make one annoyed, add in the trying to find a job factor along with having no money, and you've got yourself a bonafide bundle of crap.

But really, I'm fine, I'm just ranting because I've been annoyed with all of this the past couple of days and better have it down in words than festering in my mind. . .

blister in the arizona sun...

It's 95* out today, even though it feels much hotter. I suppose I should just wait for tomorrow, when the forecast calls for over 105*. Thankfully AJ works at Starbucks and there's the possibility of him bringing me home something tomorrow.

It's been interesting, I admit, watching a couple interact during the few days coming up to their marriage. Hmmm...

I really don't have much to say. This is more of a "I miss Dana Point" entry than anything else. Truth be told, I miss California and pretty much everything inside of it.

At least on Friday the best part of California will be here in Arizona with me. And then we get to go back to Dana Point, hooray for that.

life... (part iii)

I've come to a realization ever so slowly lately. Once again it has to do with life, and living one day at a time. Many times I'll find myself wanting tomorrow to be here. It could be for a number of reasons, depending on a number of things. I suppose that is vague but in all actuality it varies depending on the person. An example would be a 9-5 worker longing for Friday to come when it's only Thursday morning. And although the idea that it will soon be Friday might possibly get them through the day faster than usual, I still wonder how that day might be different if all they did was take each minute as it came. Fit yourself in your own typical life scenarios and I think you'll understand what I'm talking about.

I will find myself sitting at home wishing it were a certain day of the week because of something that is happening that day. I think I fear that tomorrow will never come to fruition, and because of that I fear that I will not be able to see the people I care about or do things that excite me. I will think that my day right now is dull which in turn affects my attitude for the entire day. Tomorrow eventually comes, but did I take time to cherish the yesterday which is now forever lost?

At this point, trust is a big issue that comes into play for me. I am discovering that my trust that I have in God is not where it should be. Oh it is deepening and growing ever so slightly each day, but I wonder how much it could change if I were to live the way I have been talking about for an entire week. I should probably try to first get past living this way for two consecutive days, but it's worth a thought.

More later...

today...

so yeah...

In a way, I'm in a "can't sleep" state of being right now. It's true that I could jump in a bed and fall almost immediately asleep because my body is exhausted, but that's not going to happen right now.

No...right now I'm going to smile, and say that life is good.

No, life is great.

big fish...

cancerous.
eating away.
slowly.

death.
a reminder of life.
today.

where is love.
when there is pain.
where is hope.

my tears.
stain my face.
one at a time.

but wait...

And then you take a breath, look around you, and realize that life really isn't all that complicated.

You begin to understand that you are blessed far beyond what you could even have imagined, and because of that you wonder if something isn't dreadfully wrong behind it all. But nothing is; and God has given you amazing friends, an amazing life, and more importantly a more than amazing love.

If there's one thing to say right now it's that God's love surpasses all our small notions of what love is. For -

O Lord, what is man that you care for him,
the son of man that you think of him?
Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow.
Psalm 144:3-4

What are we truly, except small specks of dust taking up space for a few years? And he still cares for us. Cares for us so very much.

can we start, start over...

Sigh.

I just wish life would be simpler at times.

life changing...

We are not meant to handle our own lives by ourselves. All kinds of things will happen to us that we can not handle - except with God's help.

Isn't that so very comforting and amazing and spectacular and a sigh of relief all at the same time?

Yes. Yes times a thousand and a few more times yes. I love it. I really feel like that's the most important lesson I've been learning lately. It's...I don't know. Life changing?

It is definitely. Every day life changing. Our lives will seriously be different if we try living otherwise.

True story.

And so it is, just like you said it would be, a completely different story. Choices are given to us, every second of every minute of every hour of every day. Choices that aren't always necessarily right or wrong, but choices nonetheless. I believe we wake up each day with the opportunity for greatness, but whether or not we live in that mindset is entirely up to us.

The above conversation is one of the few I have every week or so about God, his love, his timing, you name it. The first line is from a professor that I had in college that sends weekly e-mails about that very same thing, and more often than not little nuggets like that arise.

I believe, as I have stated before, that each day we are given can be one full of true life. Life that we can take hope in, life that gives us the strength to persevere through thick and thin. It is true, there are days that I live that seem to have no special significance in the grand scheme of things, but we cannot let days like these drag us down and in turn affecting the day after and so on.

So let's go about and change our lives...today.

today's a day not over yet
if i don't jump now
it'll be a day that's to forget

life... (part ii)

life. given in abudance.
with love. drenching our skin.
today. here but a moment.
for us. how shall we spend?

Day by day...

If this is indeed how we are to live, what gives us the right to worry about how our lives are going to turn out? Even more so, who are we to take for granted the hours we have been given today?

So many questions to be answered, and yet I still find myself wondering about many things. Mainly though, what am I going to be remembered for...today?

More later...

first day of spring...

seasons change
oh too quickly
only to be forgotten

past days dissipate
picking up pace
as years go by

and what of us?
are we to forget
what love there is

love that is patient
kind and true
love that honors

for today is ours
given only by grace
how shall we handle?

enough is before us
no more no less
to use in accordance

spring is now here
sun will rise and fall
as we press on

every new day...

When I was young
The smallest trick of light
Could catch my eye
Then life was new and every new day
I thought that I could fly

I believed in what I hoped for
And I hoped in things unseen
I had wings and dreams could soar
I just don't feel like flying anymore

When the stars threw down their spears
Watered Heaven with their tears
Before words were spoken
Before eternity

Dear Father, I need You
Your strength my heart to mend
I want to fly higher
Every new day again

When I was small
The furthest I could reach
Was not so high
Then I thought the world was so much smaller
Feeling I could fly

Through distant deeps and skies
Behind infinity
Below the face of Heaven
He stoops to create me

Dear Father, I need You
Your strength my heart to mend
I want to fly higher
Every new day again

Man versus himself
Man versus machine
Man versus the world
Mankind versus me
The struggles go on
The wisdom I lack
The burdens keep piling
Up on my back
So hard to breathe
To take the next step
The mountain is high
I wade in the depths
Yearning for grace
And hoping for peace
Dear God increase

Healing hands of God have mercy
On our unclean souls once again
Jesus Christ, Light of the World
Burning bright within our hearts forever
Freedom means love without condition
Without a beginning or an end
Here's my heart, let it be forever Yours
Only You can make every new day seem so new

.fif.

a request...

My dad has multiple myeloma, otherwise known as bone marrow cancer.

Please pray.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

times are changing...

At the risk of sounding cliche, I must admit that seasons are finally revolving and that God is moving. Try as we may to direct our lives in the way in which we want them to go, God is slowly nudging us into the direction that he knows is best for us. Right here some might say this is nothing but predestination, but are we not called to willingly submit our very lives to him?

As for me, it seems very apropos that I am in the midst of a major "life-change." I call it this because at the present time I find myself sitting comfortably in my own bedroom in a wonderful house in one of the greatest cities in Orange County. And yet I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is not where God would have me to be. Ahh, right now, today, yes. But by June? No.

This past month has been one of many changes for me; such as having 16 people break my hand involuntarily, having to resign from my present job because of the inability to work, finding new friends on the other side of the continent, turning in applications to become a substitute teacher, and even more importantly coming very close to making a decision to move to Mexico for a year.

Friends, all two of you, I am finally moving on, and I feel confident that God is daily completing His good work in me. No, His perfect work. If anything, God is leading me on new adventures that at times I feel are a bit scary. But what better adventure, than to be following the plans of the one who created me. I leave you with one closing thought, one that fits me well:

• For all we have learned, and all we have and will accomplish, is rubbish without Jesus. -Cheri Clark

Godspeed.

a small update...

Wow, I haven't written anything for a while...

Biggest update? I broke my right hand a week ago, yep!

Other news? Yes, but not right now.