atropos...

deepest oceans of despair

this vast and somber
charcoal night of space

have you given up yet?

what hope lingers in the crevasses and corners of your soul?

i know you

you haven't given up yet

you are brave in this darkness, Saint Saturn

sometimes the bravest thing of all is to hope

so this is the new year...

and i don't feel any different.

What the hell has happened to this God-fearing/loving/honoring self of a man?

Look friends, it's really simple. 2008 hasn't been the best of years. By far. Yet I've got so much to be thankful for. But I've become much more of a pessimist lately, and I don't like that at all. What have I become. Who have I become.

I miss college. I miss people. Maybe I just miss those two put together all at the same time. I miss the Thursday night prayer meetings we'd have - where God would meet us, and we were just a small group of students asking the Almighty for his will to be done in our lives, and in the lives of those on our campus. 

I miss the late night conversations and the midnight food runs. The days in the park eating chipotle and the mario party tournaments. 7X7's at In-N-Out and soapbox symphony shows. Spring break road trips to Idaho and flights to Boston. Noon hoops with professors and early morning swims in the Pacific.

I was surrounded by friends, by people whose middle names I knew. I was on the brink of something beautiful with so many people. And then we graduated. Friends moved back home, where rent was affordable and family resided. The Arizona sun stole my best friend. The Northern California rain took a few more. And I stayed home. Where I have had seven different jobs, ranging from delivering blueprints to construction sites to calling the police and turning in someone who had a warrant out for their arrest.

The year I graduated I had a burning desire to move to Mexico and work with unfortunate orphans whose parents deserted them and left them to fend for themselves. Things happened, life happened...and my dream didn't. Again the possibility arose, and it didn't fit into my schedule, my own plan for my life. Today I left a message on the director's voicemail - and who knows if anything is going to come of it. I used the excuse to stay in OC because there are people and children who are less fortunate than I am. People who don't have a place to sleep or a job to go to. I would tell people there are just as many kids who need love, as there are south of the border. 

Still something in my heart yearns for those in what is known as el reino de los ninos - the kid's kingdom. Oh, and my Oscar is there too...

This is not the sound of settling.

Godspeed.

zip-a-dee-doo-dah...

why am i so over blogging lately?

wait, why am i so over most things lately?

umm hello...

blogger oh blogger.

where have you been.

where are the words to write, the phrases for others to enjoy.

is it me.

or is it you.

a lack of color...

But really, a lack of black and white. Here's why.

Monday morning was one of the best mornings I've ever had. Standing at the drive-thru window in Starbucks I could see rain falling from clouds in the distance. Falling so much in fact, that I could see it connecting with the hills. When I looked to my left I saw huge storm clouds looming over north Orange County, with splashes of lightning filling the sky every few minutes. It's not every day you can talk to customers about the weather here. This was one of them, and I'm sure the short conversations quickly helped fill our measly tip jar.

To continue the wonderful morning I was given my lunch break at 6:45. Which gave me perfect time to grab a sandwich and sit outside to watch the sunrise around 7:45.

And maybe this picture doesn't give it quite the justice, but for now (and forever) it will have to suffice.

I'm thankful for days like Monday.

I'm thankful for my girlfriend too.

She's amazing. But more on that later.

consecutive days fail...

Wow, I haven't posted for a week. So much for trying to post every day of September.

Sigh.

hello good morning...

You can refer to HERE, and then maybe I'll write more today when I have time.

Or maybe that will just suffice for today.

I don't know.

blah...

no really, blah.

life... (part iv)

"to die will be an awfully big adventure." - peter pan

And yet what about to live? So many times I hear people speaking of how they would love to die for the sake of Christ. How amazing, to stand up for what I believe in and die knowing I'll spend eternity with my Creator. In fairness, that might indeed be an amazing adventure and it might be your life calling - but I'd be comfortable enough to say that in all likelihood it's not.

With that in mind, what are we doing today that brings life to ourselves and to others. Are we selfishly living each hour to appease our greedy nature, or is there some method to our insanely busy days that gives us the notion to stop and think about why we have been given such an amazing life.

"It will be very hard to believe that God's intentions toward us are life abundant; it will be even harder not to feel that somehow we are just blowing it."  - john eldredge

Oh God, give me life, and may all I do be glorifying to you so that I may be fully alive.

More later...

random...

I suppose one of the downfalls of writing for two consecutive weeks is that your brain begins to slow down on things to think and write about. This is fine in some circumstances I suppose, such as considering it forces it to work harder and thus improves productivity in the long run - but for now it's still quite slow.

I learned a new thing today. I'm surprised I didn't know it earlier but better late than never. I learned how to type in an umlaut during an everyday typing conversation. You know, the two dots over a vowel, such as in the word Entouräge. In case you didn't know, you type alt-u then the letter in which you wish the magical dots to appear over.

Oh, back to not having ideas of things to write about. I have an idea, how about you, my loyal readers, give me suggestions as to topics I should write about. I'm open to anything really, and if I'm not I'll be sure to let you know.

Have at it!

100...

This marks my 100th post. Or so that's what blogger tells me. So I'm averaging about 33 posts a year. That's horrible.

But hey, at least this month is looking up - so far fourteen days and sixteen posts; not bad in my book.

Things I'm not looking forward to this week:

1. Waking up tomorrow morning for work seven hours from now.

Oh that's about it.

awakening...

face down with the LA curbside endings
with the ones and zeros
downtown was the perfect place to hide
the first star that I saw last night was a headlight
of a man-made sky, but man-made never made our dreams collide
collide

here we are now with the falling sky and the rain
we're awakening
here we are now with our desperate youth and the pain
we're awakening
maybe it's called ambition, you've been talking in your sleep
about a dream

we're awakening

last week found me living for nothing but deadlines
with my dead beat sky but, this town doesn't look the same tonight
these dreams started singing to me out of nowhere
and in all my life I don't know that I ever felt so alive
alive

i want to wake up kicking and screaming
i want to wake up kicking and screaming
i want to know that my heart's still beating
it's beating
i'm bleeding
i want to wake up kicking and screaming
i want to live like I know what I'm leaving
i want to know that my heart's still beating
it's beating... it's beating...
i'm bleeding

sometime around midnight...

Every Friday morning I wake up to weed-whackers, leaf-blowers and lawn-mowers. They're just sitting there, in my room, staring at me. "Wake up" they say. It's time to get up - it's seven in the morning and you need to open your sleepy eyes. We don't care if you've only got six hours of sleep, we've been sleeping all week and we're not complaining. "WAKE UP!"

I'll wake up, I tell them, but I'm not getting out of bed. At least not until after nine - at least then I have the satisfaction of being in bed for at least eight hours. And in that time I'm able to put good use to my pillows that say "don't leave" every time I lift my head up to the incessant groaning of my alarm clock. You'd be surprised at how many inanimate objects speak to you, if you'd just open your ears and listen...

My computer sings to me. My clothes tell me how good I look. My shoes tell me how fast I am. My tv tells me I need more stuff. My phone says I'll never have to be alone. The list goes on and on people - and in all honesty sometimes I wish all I owned were the clothes on my back. 

But I regress. For tomorrow morning I'm not going to be happy with my alarm clock, and my pillows are not going to be happy with me. I'm sure sometime around midnight tonight I'm going to be thinking - why am I awake? And then I'll remember about that time that I have to be at work in four hours, smile and say - oh yes I only wanted two REM cycles anyway...

tonight tonight...

I'm looking good.

Hahaha.

Just thought I'd share - because hey, I can and I will and you can't stop me.

Boo-yah!!!

food for thought...

It can get annoying waiting for someone. Especially when food is involved. At least for me.

On Sunday I made plans with my friend Colin to have lunch with him on Wednesday. Today is Wednesday, it is almost noon; and I am hungry. The only problem is that he does not get out of his class until 1:20, which means we won't be at our lunch destination until 1:40. My stomach is annoyed with me.

Annoyed with the fact that I haven't fed him since around 7:30 last night, and even though that was a delicious TJ's ice cream sandwich, he still isn't happy with me. Oh wait, I even gave him some TJ's spice bread this morning, but no - he's still crying out for more food. 100 minutes I tell him, but he's still frowning.

Maybe, just maybe, when I feed him that delicious In N Out burger, he will smile at me and say, well done my slave.

2 atoms in a molecule...

I've just completed my first full day working at Starbucks. I really enjoyed it. Surprisingly more than I thought I would. It's nice to be back in the swing of work again, even if I'm making less than I was on unemployment. My co-workers are fun to work with, and I'm learned to prepare myself for a good conversation, such as this one:

X: How's it going?

Me: Good thanks, I'm James.

X: Nice to meet you Jim, I'm X. You going to school?

Me: No, just working. 

X: That's about where I'm at.

Me: Yeah just needed a job.

X: It's cool cuz you work with lots of girls here. I mean there's always new ones.

What the HECK!?

So much went through my head at the end of that conversation that I didn't know if I should just laugh to myself or what. 

Good times.

But really, I'm learning rather quickly and my co-workers are surprised because they say they are used to people taking forever to learn how to mix coffee and milk and syrup. Just remember folks, 2 shots in a grande espresso...

chicken, or tomatoes...

Because I am such a loving brother and want my sister to eat good, healthy food, I made sure to switch her five chicken nuggets with five small tomatoes while she was busy doing something else. I took the chicken nuggets, hid them in the cup cupboard (redundant?), and shuffled off to my room. I knew she'd find them right away, considering this isn't the first time I have done such a thing as this. Maybe I need to find a better hiding spot.

Oh did I mention I took her to get them after picking her up from work? Or that it was my idea to get food from a not-so-good fast food joint? Didn't think so, but then again it doesn't make me any less wonderful of a brother.

strong enough to break...

"It's better to build boys than to mend men." - S. Truett Cathy, as seen on a Chick-fil-A hospitality mint wrapper

Sam's got a good point here, but I can't help but think something's got to be done about the men that need mending as well. At the same time Father Flanagan had brought this idea to the forefront before Mr. Cathy, although there is no mention of it on the wikipedia article. You see, Edward first began with homeless men, trying to help them get rid of their alcohol addictions etc. But he realized there wasn't much he could do to reform a man set in his ways, so he focused his attention on children.

I really don't know where I'm trying to go with this post, but I suppose it's dividing that fine line of giving up on people...

I just finished To Kill A Mockingbird, and I really appreciated Atticus and the way he raised Jem and Scout. Maybe it was his demeanor, maybe it was the way he stuck to his beliefs about treating everyone the same. Either way, he wasn't about to let his children speak ill of another person, no matter how much he wished that "Bob Ewell wouldn't chew tobacco."

this is twice now...

So I congratulate myself for already having a great fail at the beginning of the week. Time for a short story.

As you may know I have been anticipating jury duty tomorrow morning. In preparation for this, and in conjunction with making sure I'm still able to take my scooter, I made reservations at Casa de Moore - a fine establishment in the heart of beautiful Costa Mesa. These reservations were for a one night stay on carpeted flooring, a luxury I was much looking forward to. You see, it was either this or taking my scooter back home to spend the night in my comfy bed. If I were to have taken my scooter home, then it would have meant driving back from Costa Mesa, as I was already going to be there, to home where I would spend the night, and then scooting all the way back up past Costa Mesa to Santa Ana where my prospective juror status awaits me.

So after a wonderful dinner of steak and crab legs at my grandparent's house I trekked over to my house to pick up the few things I would need for my night's stay. Toothbrush, check. Underwear, check. Shirt, check. Sweatshirt, check. Book, check. I was ready to go! So with backpack in hand full of goodies I made my way back up to Costa Mesa. Alas, there was only one problem, one I didn't realize until I was comfortably relaxing...and that was that I had forgotten my jury summons paper which included my juror badge and juror id number. 

Wait for it.....................FAIL.

I frantically checked online to see if there was any way of bypassing this small necessity, but sigh - not answer was to be found on the world wide web. (Not to mention the Orange County juror page needs some serious updating). In this day and age I should be able to find out any information I could ever want to know, yet I suppose there are just some things we're not ever supposed to know the answer to. So instead of spending the night thirteen miles away from my destination, I now get to spend it at home, a mere twenty-nine miles away. 

I suppose it's for the better - I was able to get twenty miles of refreshing sea air, which was surprisingly not as cold as I thought it would be. Not only that, but now I figure I'll drive my car around  all day tomorrow because let's face it, I don't want to scoot for an hour when it will only take me thirty five minutes driving.

Let's just pray there's no traffic.

epitome of hyperbole...

i have jury duty tomorrow. no wait, monday. the courts aren't open on sundays...probably not best to commit a crime on a friday. or on any day for that matter. but let's get to the point. i'm watching brian regan on comedy central right now (thanks CoRri) and if you haven't heard him before then i suggest you fix that. he's clean, and he's funny. in my book, that's a good combination for a comedian. 

i had to laugh though, because he had a small bit where he was talking about how everyone is trying to one-up the other person when trying to get out of jury duty. this one guy was a victim of however many crimes and the guy after him was one of that many more. reminds me somewhat of kristen wiig. (that's right i gave you two different links. i'm awesome like that).

anyway i'm hoping that the best thing to do is just sit and look young and stupid and maybe the prosecutor won't pick me, because hey - they're guilty if they're making me sit there and listen to them. oh what a great citizen i am.

in other news i think i'm going to be a political satirist - it might be the best way to go.