life changing...

We are not meant to handle our own lives by ourselves. All kinds of things will happen to us that we can not handle - except with God's help.

Isn't that so very comforting and amazing and spectacular and a sigh of relief all at the same time?

Yes. Yes times a thousand and a few more times yes. I love it. I really feel like that's the most important lesson I've been learning lately. It's...I don't know. Life changing?

It is definitely. Every day life changing. Our lives will seriously be different if we try living otherwise.

True story.

And so it is, just like you said it would be, a completely different story. Choices are given to us, every second of every minute of every hour of every day. Choices that aren't always necessarily right or wrong, but choices nonetheless. I believe we wake up each day with the opportunity for greatness, but whether or not we live in that mindset is entirely up to us.

The above conversation is one of the few I have every week or so about God, his love, his timing, you name it. The first line is from a professor that I had in college that sends weekly e-mails about that very same thing, and more often than not little nuggets like that arise.

I believe, as I have stated before, that each day we are given can be one full of true life. Life that we can take hope in, life that gives us the strength to persevere through thick and thin. It is true, there are days that I live that seem to have no special significance in the grand scheme of things, but we cannot let days like these drag us down and in turn affecting the day after and so on.

So let's go about and change our lives...today.

today's a day not over yet
if i don't jump now
it'll be a day that's to forget

life... (part ii)

life. given in abudance.
with love. drenching our skin.
today. here but a moment.
for us. how shall we spend?

Day by day...

If this is indeed how we are to live, what gives us the right to worry about how our lives are going to turn out? Even more so, who are we to take for granted the hours we have been given today?

So many questions to be answered, and yet I still find myself wondering about many things. Mainly though, what am I going to be remembered for...today?

More later...

first day of spring...

seasons change
oh too quickly
only to be forgotten

past days dissipate
picking up pace
as years go by

and what of us?
are we to forget
what love there is

love that is patient
kind and true
love that honors

for today is ours
given only by grace
how shall we handle?

enough is before us
no more no less
to use in accordance

spring is now here
sun will rise and fall
as we press on

every new day...

When I was young
The smallest trick of light
Could catch my eye
Then life was new and every new day
I thought that I could fly

I believed in what I hoped for
And I hoped in things unseen
I had wings and dreams could soar
I just don't feel like flying anymore

When the stars threw down their spears
Watered Heaven with their tears
Before words were spoken
Before eternity

Dear Father, I need You
Your strength my heart to mend
I want to fly higher
Every new day again

When I was small
The furthest I could reach
Was not so high
Then I thought the world was so much smaller
Feeling I could fly

Through distant deeps and skies
Behind infinity
Below the face of Heaven
He stoops to create me

Dear Father, I need You
Your strength my heart to mend
I want to fly higher
Every new day again

Man versus himself
Man versus machine
Man versus the world
Mankind versus me
The struggles go on
The wisdom I lack
The burdens keep piling
Up on my back
So hard to breathe
To take the next step
The mountain is high
I wade in the depths
Yearning for grace
And hoping for peace
Dear God increase

Healing hands of God have mercy
On our unclean souls once again
Jesus Christ, Light of the World
Burning bright within our hearts forever
Freedom means love without condition
Without a beginning or an end
Here's my heart, let it be forever Yours
Only You can make every new day seem so new

.fif.

a request...

My dad has multiple myeloma, otherwise known as bone marrow cancer.

Please pray.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

times are changing...

At the risk of sounding cliche, I must admit that seasons are finally revolving and that God is moving. Try as we may to direct our lives in the way in which we want them to go, God is slowly nudging us into the direction that he knows is best for us. Right here some might say this is nothing but predestination, but are we not called to willingly submit our very lives to him?

As for me, it seems very apropos that I am in the midst of a major "life-change." I call it this because at the present time I find myself sitting comfortably in my own bedroom in a wonderful house in one of the greatest cities in Orange County. And yet I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is not where God would have me to be. Ahh, right now, today, yes. But by June? No.

This past month has been one of many changes for me; such as having 16 people break my hand involuntarily, having to resign from my present job because of the inability to work, finding new friends on the other side of the continent, turning in applications to become a substitute teacher, and even more importantly coming very close to making a decision to move to Mexico for a year.

Friends, all two of you, I am finally moving on, and I feel confident that God is daily completing His good work in me. No, His perfect work. If anything, God is leading me on new adventures that at times I feel are a bit scary. But what better adventure, than to be following the plans of the one who created me. I leave you with one closing thought, one that fits me well:

• For all we have learned, and all we have and will accomplish, is rubbish without Jesus. -Cheri Clark

Godspeed.

a small update...

Wow, I haven't written anything for a while...

Biggest update? I broke my right hand a week ago, yep!

Other news? Yes, but not right now.

anger...

It's funny how little things can start a boiling in the depths of your stomach. At times you would rather vomit it up but then again it can be nice to let it fester there a little bit. Something I read today annoyed me quite a bit, even stirred up a little anger in me. I know it's not bad to be angry, we all need a little bit now and then, but there is still the part of me that wishes I could lash out and yell at someone.

It's really not a big deal...this happenstance...but it still found a way to irk me. And I know blogs aren't really the place to vent or anything like that, considering how superficial they may be at times, but I needed somewhere at least to write down my thoughts...

Thank God for a new day tomorrow...or should I say today?

homecoming...

This week has been Vanguard's homecoming; themed "The Great Adventure." It has been full of alumni-related chapels, meetings, events and parties; none of which I have attended. No, my time comes Saturday, which will be nonstop as soon as I open my eyes. I get to play in the Alumni vs. Faculty/Staff softball game in the morning, then I have a R.A. reunion to go to in the afternoon, a young alumni dinner in the late afternoon, and then watch the women's and men's basketball teams whoop up on their opponents.

It is weird for me, as an alumni, to go back to Vanguard. In a way I feel as if I am out of place, or even treading on people's toes ever so slightly at times. Yet there are the few there that I enjoy seeing time and time again, and for them, it is worth it. I suppose I might make a comment on the whole "homecoming" aspect of it all, but for that I can only quote from one of my favorite movies, Patch Adams, from the beginning scene:

• All of life is a coming home. Salesmen, secretaries, coal miners, beekeepers, sword swallowers. All of us. All the restless hearts of the world, all trying to find a way home. It's hard to describe what I felt like then. Picture yourself walking for days in a driving snow. You don't even know you're walking in circles. The heaviness of your legs and the drifts, your shouts disappearing into the wind. How small you can feel, and how far away home can be. Home, the dictionary defines it as both a place of origin, and a goal or destination. And the storm? The storm was all in my mind. Or as the poet Dante put it: in the middle of the journey of my life I found myself in a dark wood, for I had lost the right path. Eventually I would find the right path, but in the most unlikely place...

And for me, I suppose all of life truly is a coming home, no matter where I find myself. I graduated in May to find myself coming home to my family, and yet now I am going back again to my other family that I spent the last four years with. It is something to think about, to say the least.

life... (part i)

In the midst of the everyday we find ourselves at times aimlessly wandering about, as if we were zombies living in an all too existent stupor. As if we couldn't grasp the thought of dying, we never truly comprehend the idea of living.

What is life? Is it to be only understand as the interval of time between birth and death? Or are we to understand it as something more? It is true, we can find an assortment of definitions that describe it as such, but what is it for you, and even so, what is it for me?

Surely we are not called to be zombific...

More later...

memories...

memories
frozen in time

smiling faces
never to be forgotten

friends
blessings from above

awakenings...

Sometimes all it takes is a two minute scene from a movie to get you to start thinking.

This time it was from the movie Awakenings, with Robin Williams and Robert DeNiro. If you have never seen this movie, I highly recommend it. In fact, stop reading this right now and go rent it, watch it, then come back.

The scene I am referring to is when Leonard (DeNiro) calls Dr. Sayer (Williams) early one morning and tells him to come to the hospital because he needs to talk to him. The ensuing conversation is thus:

• Leonard: We've got to tell everybody. We...we...we...we've got to remind them. We've got to remind them how good it is.
  Sayer: How good what is Leonard?
  Leonard: Read the newspaper. There, what does it say? All bad. It's all bad. People have forgotten what life is all about. They've forgotten what it is to be alive. They need to be reminded. They need to be reminded about what they have and what they can lose. What I feel is the joy of life. The gift of life. The freedom of life! The wonderment of life!

Dr. Sayer is then seen conversing with another staff member and he says:

• He kept saying that people don't appreciate the simple things. Work, play, friendship, family. It's...he was so excited he talked 'til five o'clock in the morning. What he's saying is absolutely right, we don't know how to live.

Then it struck me, and it has stuck with me for the past two weeks or so. The simple fact that I too had forgotten how to live. But I was reminded at the end of the movie:

• The human spirit is more powerful than any drug. And that is what needs to be nourished. With work, play, friendship, family. These are the things that matter. This is what we've forgotten. The simplist things.

And so a part of me goes back to seeking the simplist things, as well as things in life not so simple. I can't help but ask myself though; if I had not seen this movie, how long would I have been willing to stay asleep?

inflammation of the hand... (part ii)

So after seeing the dermatologist this morning, my "infection" has been narrowed down to a severe allergy. Not only is my hand still swollen, but my ears are as well as below my eyes. I never knew an allergy could be so much fun.



As for medication, I am now primarily on Prednisone; a corticosteroid used to treat severe allergies. My schedule for the next two weeks looks like this:

• Days 1-5: 60mg a day
• Days 6-10: 50mg a day
• Days 11-15: 40mg a day

I'm also taking Zyrtec; an antihistamine, and Benadryl at night.

The most exciting part about all of this? Well that's simply the fact that I'm on steroids and I'll be playing softball Thursday night. I figure my left arm will just have to hit the ball over the fence all by its little lonesome...

inflammation of the hand...

I know the title of this blog doesn't necessarily sound pleasant or happy-happy-joy-joy, but hey they all don't have to be fun and games.

So my hand has been healing pretty well from when I fell off my scooter (a Piaggio [maker of Vespas] Liberty 150[cc]) two weeks ago. I've accidentally knocked a couple of my scabs off, but overall the function of my hand has become pretty normal. That is, until last night.

It actually started yesterday afternoon while I was hanging out in my friend's dorm room. My hand started itching more than normal, and I noticed that small bumps were beginning to rise between my wrist and knuckles. Being the intelligent one that he is, he went to webmd to see if we could find anything. We think it could be some kind of fungus that has entered through my wounds and onto my hand, but we're not quite sure. I went home and it seemed to slightly go away, away enough so that it didn't bother me when I played softball. But I woke up at 5 this morning because my hand was itching like crazy. Turns out the bumps have spread up my arm.

So I called the dermatologist to schedule an appointment, and of course neither of the doctors are in until Monday. So let's hope that my hand doesn't fall off before Monday, that probably wouldn't be the most enjoyable thing.

Update: At 1am I went to the emergency room. My hand had swelled to about twice its normal size. They have no idea what it could be, their best guess is an allergy. They sent me home with prescriptions to fill in the morning.

Current mood: Tired yet trusting.

books...

I have discovered, albeit through friends, that I am in the middle of too many books. Now even though I didn't need my friends' observation of this fact, it has still been helpful. Maybe it says something about me, maybe it doesn't. You could say that I am someone who starts things yet never finishes them, or maybe that I cannot commit to anything whatsoever. Whatever you may say, I still enjoy the books I am in the middle of, and I know that one of these days I will read them one at a time.

For now, I will continue to read the books I feel like reading, whether or not I have finished the one before it. And as to the books I am in the middle of? Here they are:

A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court (Edit on 12/17/06 - Will not complete before 2010)
A Million Little Pieces
Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee
Disgrace (Edit on 5/14/05 - Disgrace completed)
Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight
Fight Club
Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe (Edit on 12/17/06 - Will not complete before 2010)
Life, the Universe and Everything
Pride and Prejudice (Edit on 12/17/06 - Will not complete before 2010)
The Hobbit (Edit on 5/10/05 - Hobbit completed)
The Mysterious Island
The Towers of the Sunset (Edit on 11/19/05 - The Towers of the Sunset completed)
Two Years Before the Mast (Edit on 12/17/06 - Will not complete before 2010)
Vernon God Little

So that's 5421 pages altogether. That is, if I were to start from the beginning of each one. I know for certain that I have not passed 100 pages on any of them except The Hobbit and A Million Little Pieces...

I think I need to start finishing what I have started.

there are first times for everything...

I still remember the first time I learned how to ride a bike. Maybe it was because we have it on video and I've watched it since then, but I still have that bike.

I remember the first time I played little league. I was on the Twins, and we won third place.

I remember my first kiss. I was eight and it was at the park that is behind my house and we hid behind a tree and gave each other a peck on the lips. I'm pretty sure we got made fun of by each other's siblings.

I remember being homeschooled first, and only having school three hours a day and loving it.

I remember when I first went to school in third grade, and had to be shown around by another classmate. We were good acquaintances for the next ten years.

I remember a lot of other firsts, but I suppose only because we add to our list of firsts daily. Like today, when I got this new blog, yet another first.

We'll see how this first works out.