cr...

oh God.

take this heart.

take these hands.

take these feet.

and use them.

thy kingdom come.

thy will be done.

on earth.

as it is in heaven.

i am nothing.

can do nothing.

have nothing.

except through you.

i will give my best.

it will not be good enough.

i will suffer and see no fruit.

but your plan is perfect.

the brilliance that was is flickering cold.

slowly burning to ash.

i'm choking on pride, closing my eyes.

'till one day i'm scared to come back.

time flies...

I'm amazed that it's already January 24th. Just yesterday it was 2008 and I was in another state hanging out with friends on New Year's Eve. A lot has happened in these past days. A lot of joy and excitement and a lot of pain and discouragement. But I hold fast to the knowledge that God is good. And not just good, but goooooooooooood. I'm realizing more and more, each and every day, that God is so very faithful in everything. His plans for me are more than amazing, and his desire for my life is for nothing short of greatness.

Things are changing. Hopes and dreams I've had and thought of are blossoming to the surface. My heart...I've let myself damage my heart. Let myself be someone I'm not. Either for worldly gain or self-pleasure. But the love my Jesus has for me reaches far beyond any brokenness and pain. 

God is always forming us, molding us into what he planned for us all along. And as to our allowing him to shape us...I'm sure it takes more times than necessary. But his love goes past our imperfections, goes through our hiccoughs and failings. 

A new day though. Today is a new day. Today has all the possibilities of greatness. Whether we find ourselves in an office cubicle, in our homes with our children, or outside in a construction site...we can still walk in the fulness that God has for us. 

These past few weeks for me, as I have said, has been somewhat of a roller coaster for me. Yet I feel like I am on the brink of grasping the tiniest bit of God's will for my life. This might include finally leaving the country like I have always dreamed, or staying in my own backyard knowing that God has all my best interests at hand. 

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Godspeed.

recall...

i love this song i'm about to post. there is something so comforting in these painful lyrics. it's actually hard to explain. if you ever get a chance to listen to brave saint saturn i'd highly recommend it. also, if you ever get a chance to anything written or sung by dennis bayne (culp) i'd highly recommend it as well. i don't know what else to say...there's just something about this song that always gets me...

it was all about acceleration

all for notoriety

all about the destination

driven by my own abilities

rockets shattered, screamed, and then fell away

lift this juggernaut into the sky

radio waves in the frozen night, spelling "i miss you"

like a flicker of light in the back of my mind

and it all comes back to me

like an overdue sunrise

it all comes back to me

there's nothing like complete exhaustion

the atrophy of complete defeat

the feeling of the world upon my shoulders

and realizing i am incomplete

well there's a lot of freedom in failure

of recklessness of weightless abandonment

i remember light coming through stained glass

and it reminds me

like a flicker of light in the back of my mind

and it all comes back to me

like an overdue sunrise

it all comes back to me

i remember your love being better than life

when it all comes back to me

i will sing in the shadows

when it all comes back

when it all comes back

when it all comes back

to me...

a saturday night...

it's like in the great stories mr. frodo. the ones that really mattered. full of darkness and danger they were. and sometimes you didn't want to know the end. because how could the end be happy? how could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened. but in the end it's only a passing thing. this shadow. even darkness must past. a new day will come. and when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. those were the stories that stayed with you. that meant something. even if you were too small to understand why. but i think mr. frodo, i do understand. i know now. folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't. they kept going. because they were holding onto something. 

what are we holding onto sam?

that there's some good in this world mr. frodo. and it's worth fighting for.

new things...

i've decided to mix re-do the layout of my blog a little. nothing big...i just thought the whole black scheme was too dark. blue is better. and yes, i finally decided to "upgrade" (or whatever) the layout. 

blogger wins.

my quiet place...

Lord i love to worship you

Lord i love to worship you

you have given me so much

to be thankful for

and i love you is not enough

to express my love

everything i have inside of me

Lord i give to you

there is nothing i can do

there is nothing i can do

there is nothing i can do

but worship you

You are...

Lord you are more precious than silver.

Lord you are more costly than gold.

Lord you are more beautiful than diamonds.

And nothing I desire compares with you.

this sort of thing...

This Sort of Thing

I, I've a hunch that we
will never be the same
these things tend to change
everything
like a pause just to glance
or a choice
or just a chance
but we were never ready for this
anyway

so come on, come on
it's about time
jump on in before you change your mind
no promises on this sort of thing
sometimes onetime in a lifetime
this sort of thing could blow your mind
or change everything

so here
here we go again
should I move right or left
or just step back to check
if I missed a step
oh no, you can never be too sure
when forever's on the line
forever passed me by a hundred times
tonight so

come on, come on
it's about time
jump on in before you change your mind
no promises on this sort of thing
sometimes onetime in a lifetime
this sort of thing could blow your mind
or change everything

I, I've got a hunch that we
will never be the same
these things tend to change everything

come on, come on
it's about time
jump on in before you change your mind
no promises on this sort of thing
sometimes onetime in a lifetime
this sort of thing could blow your mind
or change everything...

busy...

I'm sorry I haven't posted lately. I've been out of town, keeping myself busy.

I'll be back soon.

Godspeed.

hi...

i'm sending this through a text so it has to be short. i'm excited for this year. i'm excited to see what God has for everyone. Godspeed.

hurricanes...

i am so lonely. 

they say you were lonely too. 

dear God be my Savior. 

i wait for you.

on distant shores...

and off of the blocks

i was headstrong and proud

at the front of the line

for the card-carrying, highbrowed

with both eyes fastened tight

yet unscarred from the fight

running at full tilt

my sword pulled from its hilt

it's funny how these days can slip away

our frail deeds

the last will wave good-bye

it's funny how the hope will bleed away

the citadels we build and fortify

goodbye

night came and i broke my stride

i swallowed hard but never cried

when grace was easy to forget

i'd denounce the hypocrites

casting first stones

killing my own

you would unscale my blind eyes

and i stood battered but more wise

fighting to accelerate

shaking free from crippling weight

with resilience unsurpassed

i clawed my way to you at last

and on my knees

i wept at your feet

i finally believed

that you still loved me

simple...

our Father.

who art in heaven.

hallowed be thy name.

thy kingdom come.

thy will be done.

on earth.

as it is in heaven.

give us today.

our daily bread.

and forgive us our debts.

as we forgive our debtors.

and lead us not into temptation.

but deliver us from evil.

chemistry...

i was supposed to clean my room today. at least that was my plan.

breakfast with colin and stuart was fun. we gave dee a christmas present like we did last year. she cried like she did last year.

i spoke with lindsey for about ten minutes today. she says i could be her parents third son if i were to move out to arizona. i suppose her brother gets official first son privileges and her man gets official second son. i'm fine with third. aj still needs to call me though...

i'll give him grace though. he just had another kid. or rhi did. either way they've got two sons now. two awesome sons. at least i was able to talk to his sister. he'll call me back one of these days.

listen to fleet foxes.

driving with my windows down was fun today. gotta love the rain. (it was barely sprinkling).

i just lost my train of thought.

found it.

lunch with joel and chrissy and james and bri on christmas eve. it'll be good to hang out with them all, even if i am a fifth wheel. joel says if there was ever a choice for him to find a fifth wheel, i would be it. apparently i'm good at it he says.

tonight is hot chocolate and old friends. should be...interesting.

Godspeed.

estrella...

the angels wings will cover you tonight.

hallelujah.

press your head against the breast of Christ.

hallelujah.

keep your little head from falling in the snow...

so a venture down to mexico today is not going to happen.

too many speed-bumps and hiccoughs and stutters for it to fall into place smoothly.

that's funny. that seems to be the way my life is going in general. 

STOP THE PESSIMISM JAMES!!!

huh?  what was that? must've missed something.

sigh. 

one.day.at.a.time.

white winter hymnal...

rain rain go away. come again another day.

i usually like the rain.

it usually makes me smile. i'll go outside and dance around. i'll run to the park behind my house and swing on the swings in the playground. i'll get all soaked, and be happy the whole time.

i love smiling. i love feeling like my life is going somewhere. like i have a purpose.

i love feeling that way...

tonight, tonight...

Tonight I say goodbye to my good friend Casey, or more affectionately known as Moose. Moose and his wife found our church accidently two years ago, and have become great friends during the past eight seasons. (If you can call what we have seasons). He was stationed at Camp Pendleton to finish his time with the marine corps. He now gets to go back home and be with family, etc. But we'll miss him. As it says in Ecclesiastes, there is a time for everything.

After work on Friday I'm driving down to the orphanage in Mexico. I'll be there for the night and most of Saturday. I get to see Oscar. I'm happy. 

Godspeed.

frozen...

If winter doesn't come to southern California, at least it will burrow its way into my hope for a job with the county. That's right, I've been officially informed that all county jobs are in the midst of a hiring freeze, which obviously means my hopes for a job in juvenile hall are obviously put on hold. 

God, you're doing something here...

WHAT?!

dp boredum...

Today is not a good day for scooting. The sun is hiding and the gloomy clouds are sitting around enjoying some kind of tea party. I swear they only tease us and pretend to be up to something here in California. "How's the weather?" isn't even a conversation starter here - if you start off with that people will know you're desperate. Now I didn't say it was a horrible day for scooting; it would be perfectly fine for me to bundle up in layers and take a short trip down to the harbor, but I'm in more of a bundle up next to the fire with a cup of hot chocolate and a good book type of mood. (Talk about a run-on sentence....)

I started reading a separate peace about a month ago, but have since returned it to the library as it, along with eight other books, were overdue. If I go back now I'll have to pay the two dollars in fines I owe, and I never was one who enjoyed paying off debts completely. Hah! So it really turns into a question of what book should I start next, and yes, I will go to the library if needs be. I'll throw them a quarter and they can be satisfied with my payment plan.

 Ideas? I'll take them. Thanks.