deepest oceans of despair
this vast and somber
charcoal night of space
have you given up yet?
what hope lingers in the crevasses and corners of your soul?
i know you
you haven't given up yet
you are brave in this darkness, Saint Saturn
sometimes the bravest thing of all is to hope
Thursday, November 13, 2008
and i don't feel any different.
What the hell has happened to this God-fearing/loving/honoring self of a man?
Look friends, it's really simple. 2008 hasn't been the best of years. By far. Yet I've got so much to be thankful for. But I've become much more of a pessimist lately, and I don't like that at all. What have I become. Who have I become.
I miss college. I miss people. Maybe I just miss those two put together all at the same time. I miss the Thursday night prayer meetings we'd have - where God would meet us, and we were just a small group of students asking the Almighty for his will to be done in our lives, and in the lives of those on our campus.
I miss the late night conversations and the midnight food runs. The days in the park eating chipotle and the mario party tournaments. 7X7's at In-N-Out and soapbox symphony shows. Spring break road trips to Idaho and flights to Boston. Noon hoops with professors and early morning swims in the Pacific.
I was surrounded by friends, by people whose middle names I knew. I was on the brink of something beautiful with so many people. And then we graduated. Friends moved back home, where rent was affordable and family resided. The Arizona sun stole my best friend. The Northern California rain took a few more. And I stayed home. Where I have had seven different jobs, ranging from delivering blueprints to construction sites to calling the police and turning in someone who had a warrant out for their arrest.
The year I graduated I had a burning desire to move to Mexico and work with unfortunate orphans whose parents deserted them and left them to fend for themselves. Things happened, life happened...and my dream didn't. Again the possibility arose, and it didn't fit into my schedule, my own plan for my life. Today I left a message on the director's voicemail - and who knows if anything is going to come of it. I used the excuse to stay in OC because there are people and children who are less fortunate than I am. People who don't have a place to sleep or a job to go to. I would tell people there are just as many kids who need love, as there are south of the border.
Still something in my heart yearns for those in what is known as el reino de los ninos - the kid's kingdom. Oh, and my Oscar is there too...
This is not the sound of settling.