untitled...

it's my downfall, it is
a seemingly unending cycle
pick one up and try to hold on
until i've dropped and broken it

chunk at least was unaware
even if his friends weren't
he'd do anything you asked
oblivious of his inadequacies

which is better
to know
or
to have no idea

i say the former
at least i can try
but not try to not fail
but to simply do the best i can

so is that what i'm looking for
a chance to prove myself to others
look at me - i'm finally a winner
of something never meant to be won

i'll never call myself a failure
i'll never say i didn't try
but when will i finally
become a man fully alive


.tbc.

happy easter...

somewhere over the rainbow
way up high
and the dreams that you dreamed of
once in a lullaby
somewhere over the rainbow
blue birds fly
and the dreams that you dreamed of
dreams really do come true
someday i'll wish upon a star
wake up where the clouds are far behind me
where trouble melts like lemon drops
high above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me
somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
and the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't i?

well i see trees of green and
red roses too,
i'll watch them bloom for me and you
and i think to myself
what a wonderful world

well i see skies of blue and i see clouds of white
and the brightness of day
i like the dark and i think to myself
what a wonderful world

the colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
are also on the faces of people passing by
i see friends shaking hands
saying, "how do you do?"
they're really saying, i...i love you
i hear babies cry and i watch them grow
they'll learn much more
than we'll know
and i think to myself
what a wonderful world

someday i'll wish upon a star
wake up where the clouds are far behind me
where trouble melts like lemon drops
high above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
oh, somewhere over the rainbow way up high
and the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't i?

real...

The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.

God help me.

glory...

it's hard to describe

all that is being done

deliberate service, yes

but for what good

just a glimpse

seems to be all i'm ever given

back home

i go back and live comfortably

fitted sheets

down pillows

food in the fridge

milk delivered fridays

seek first his kingdom

and his righteousness

and all these things

will be given to you as well

yes...

but what about

them as well

still...

Oh God, take this life...

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

febrero...

February is coming to an end. My how the time flies.

I'm liking being in another country. It's...refreshing. I love having six roommates. I love seeing people and doing everything together every day. 

...I don't miss "home" 

...I don't miss California

Oh I miss people, and I miss friendships.

I just don't see myself living in Orange County for the rest of my life. Maybe I will, maybe that will be what God calls me to.

But I've got a strong sense it isn't.

saturday night...

Filling empty space.

Through time spent with 'friends'.

Previously planned excitement.

Eventual disappointment.

Where does opinion intersect concrete unity?

Don't speak what's on your mind.

For fear of rejection.

Hide emotion.

Fake smiles please fools.

When do acquaintances become qualified friendships?

Please don't miss me.

My life goes on.

My heart stays shut.

My walls close in.

Who determines the reality of heartfelt truth.

Let birds fly free.

Wings clipped bring pain.

Loose the rain upon unbelievers.

Run unhindered into seclusion.

Why fix something that's been broken over and over.

fields of the fallen...

hi world.

i've been busy lately, i apologize. i suppose it's good though, in a sense, to be too busy to sit down by myself at a computer and type away into the night, or morning for that matter. 

a lot's been going on. most of it good. a little sadness mixed in there as well.

i need to go right now though...i have a memorial service to go to.

my friend's grandpa was in a car accident yesterday. he suffered a stroke and has been in ICU for the past twenty-four hours; unconscious and unresponsive. i'm told he's not going to make it.

it's times like these....when.

words are never enough.

fact not fiction...

so much to do. so little time.

willy wonka's words never rang so true. 

one foot in front of the other. one step at a time.

life still couldn't be better.

hope...

there's so much i have to be thankful for lately. i have so many reasons to smile, so many things to be glad about.

today is a good day.

cr...

oh God.

take this heart.

take these hands.

take these feet.

and use them.

thy kingdom come.

thy will be done.

on earth.

as it is in heaven.

i am nothing.

can do nothing.

have nothing.

except through you.

i will give my best.

it will not be good enough.

i will suffer and see no fruit.

but your plan is perfect.

the brilliance that was is flickering cold.

slowly burning to ash.

i'm choking on pride, closing my eyes.

'till one day i'm scared to come back.

time flies...

I'm amazed that it's already January 24th. Just yesterday it was 2008 and I was in another state hanging out with friends on New Year's Eve. A lot has happened in these past days. A lot of joy and excitement and a lot of pain and discouragement. But I hold fast to the knowledge that God is good. And not just good, but goooooooooooood. I'm realizing more and more, each and every day, that God is so very faithful in everything. His plans for me are more than amazing, and his desire for my life is for nothing short of greatness.

Things are changing. Hopes and dreams I've had and thought of are blossoming to the surface. My heart...I've let myself damage my heart. Let myself be someone I'm not. Either for worldly gain or self-pleasure. But the love my Jesus has for me reaches far beyond any brokenness and pain. 

God is always forming us, molding us into what he planned for us all along. And as to our allowing him to shape us...I'm sure it takes more times than necessary. But his love goes past our imperfections, goes through our hiccoughs and failings. 

A new day though. Today is a new day. Today has all the possibilities of greatness. Whether we find ourselves in an office cubicle, in our homes with our children, or outside in a construction site...we can still walk in the fulness that God has for us. 

These past few weeks for me, as I have said, has been somewhat of a roller coaster for me. Yet I feel like I am on the brink of grasping the tiniest bit of God's will for my life. This might include finally leaving the country like I have always dreamed, or staying in my own backyard knowing that God has all my best interests at hand. 

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Godspeed.

recall...

i love this song i'm about to post. there is something so comforting in these painful lyrics. it's actually hard to explain. if you ever get a chance to listen to brave saint saturn i'd highly recommend it. also, if you ever get a chance to anything written or sung by dennis bayne (culp) i'd highly recommend it as well. i don't know what else to say...there's just something about this song that always gets me...

it was all about acceleration

all for notoriety

all about the destination

driven by my own abilities

rockets shattered, screamed, and then fell away

lift this juggernaut into the sky

radio waves in the frozen night, spelling "i miss you"

like a flicker of light in the back of my mind

and it all comes back to me

like an overdue sunrise

it all comes back to me

there's nothing like complete exhaustion

the atrophy of complete defeat

the feeling of the world upon my shoulders

and realizing i am incomplete

well there's a lot of freedom in failure

of recklessness of weightless abandonment

i remember light coming through stained glass

and it reminds me

like a flicker of light in the back of my mind

and it all comes back to me

like an overdue sunrise

it all comes back to me

i remember your love being better than life

when it all comes back to me

i will sing in the shadows

when it all comes back

when it all comes back

when it all comes back

to me...

a saturday night...

it's like in the great stories mr. frodo. the ones that really mattered. full of darkness and danger they were. and sometimes you didn't want to know the end. because how could the end be happy? how could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened. but in the end it's only a passing thing. this shadow. even darkness must past. a new day will come. and when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. those were the stories that stayed with you. that meant something. even if you were too small to understand why. but i think mr. frodo, i do understand. i know now. folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't. they kept going. because they were holding onto something. 

what are we holding onto sam?

that there's some good in this world mr. frodo. and it's worth fighting for.

new things...

i've decided to mix re-do the layout of my blog a little. nothing big...i just thought the whole black scheme was too dark. blue is better. and yes, i finally decided to "upgrade" (or whatever) the layout. 

blogger wins.

my quiet place...

Lord i love to worship you

Lord i love to worship you

you have given me so much

to be thankful for

and i love you is not enough

to express my love

everything i have inside of me

Lord i give to you

there is nothing i can do

there is nothing i can do

there is nothing i can do

but worship you

You are...

Lord you are more precious than silver.

Lord you are more costly than gold.

Lord you are more beautiful than diamonds.

And nothing I desire compares with you.

this sort of thing...

This Sort of Thing

I, I've a hunch that we
will never be the same
these things tend to change
everything
like a pause just to glance
or a choice
or just a chance
but we were never ready for this
anyway

so come on, come on
it's about time
jump on in before you change your mind
no promises on this sort of thing
sometimes onetime in a lifetime
this sort of thing could blow your mind
or change everything

so here
here we go again
should I move right or left
or just step back to check
if I missed a step
oh no, you can never be too sure
when forever's on the line
forever passed me by a hundred times
tonight so

come on, come on
it's about time
jump on in before you change your mind
no promises on this sort of thing
sometimes onetime in a lifetime
this sort of thing could blow your mind
or change everything

I, I've got a hunch that we
will never be the same
these things tend to change everything

come on, come on
it's about time
jump on in before you change your mind
no promises on this sort of thing
sometimes onetime in a lifetime
this sort of thing could blow your mind
or change everything...