it's been a while...

You're right...I've been gone for a while. And I suppose that's my own problem, not anyone elses really. I've started working. I don't remember when the last time I worked 40 hrs. a week was. I've done a month of it already and right now I feel exhausted. You think you can handle certain things and then your body just shuts down - lets you know it's finished, it's had it. My body let me know that this past week. I got sick (from the kids I work with) and I'm still not back to 100%. I think though...for the past month, I've been living off my own strength for the ALL of it.

And that's not right.

That's never right.

Not to pawn my strength off on God or anything, but in a small sense of reality that's what I'm doing. But the funny thing is, that's what I'm supposed to do. The joy of the Lord is supposed to be my strength, not anything else. Not work, not food, not sleep. The JOY OF THE LORD. When was the last time I experienced the joy of the Lord? A month? Half a year? A year ago? My past has become to faded with memories and uncertainties that I really can't say. Today though. Today I'm here and the joy of the Lord IS going to be my strength. I can't do it without his help. I can't do what I feel he has called me to do without him walking alongside me - I feel like I'm doing something wrong if I work like that. I can't love these children if I am not daily walking with my Father, telling him how I feel about work, about life. These children do not need me to be there and care for them. They need a loving God who loves them no matter what they've gone through.

I am far from that.

But God isn't. And I can share God's love - not superficial love that I think will suffice for 12 hours in a day, but the pure love of God that comes unexpectedly and undeservingly. God has placed me in a situation where I can either glorify him or become a workaholic - continually thinking of when I'll receive my next paycheck and how angry I'll be at the government for taking 20% of my hard earned-money. Praise be to God for blessing me with a job. Praise be to God for giving me an income. Praise be to God for he and he only is worthy of our praise.

In short - I'm sick of this, God - lead the way.