innocence...

could it be...

"Could it be that you are hiding from what love calls you to?" - W.D.

Yeah.

.................................................................................

az musings...

I spent the past two days with two very wonderful friends I've come to know and love. Who would have thought that on February 14th of 2003 I would meet AJ Teaters and end up as his best man in his wedding on June 2nd of 2006. As for Rhiannon, I've had the pleasure of knowing her longer but I realized this weekend that I truly love these two people.

I love Mikey, I love my family, and I love AJ and Rhiannon. Call it a short list of people to truly know you love, but there is an existing bond there that I know will not be broken.

And all it took was some Rocky Mountain Oysters...

an outlandish christmas wish list...

I usually don't do Christmas Wish Lists, only because I don't like receiving gifts from people. I've got to work on that though, so I thought to myself - "Hey, why not put all the expensive things you want out for the public eye to see, that way A - you won't get anything, or B - you can tell who your true friends are by how much they spend on you at Christmas time."

So here it is, James' wish list 2006:

The Complete Monty Python's Flying Circus 16-Ton Megaset
Band of Brothers
New International Commentary on the New Testament
Nikon D80 Digital SLR Camera
The Muppet Show - Season One

I'll add to it as time comes along...but for now I think that's good enough...

nanowrimo...

National Novel Writing Month

50,000 Words.
30 Days.
1 Author.


Here's to me.

then again...

Life goes on.

And I love my job.

And I can't complain.

And I won't.

signs of the end times...

When your work won't let you switch schedules with someone because they need a FOURTH person to work from 7-9 pm on a Saturday night when most of the kids are in bed.

"It's for the kids."

california dreaming...

For the past month and a half I have been driving a 1968 Volkswagen Beetle. It's been a blast and I think I might buy it in February. Ever since I've been driving it I have been annoyed that the turn signals don't work and the windshield wipers haven't moved when I turn their designated button. I've been playing with the wires and nothing has seemed to happen, so I thought maybe I should buy new bulbs or something to that extent. But I have yet to buy new bulbs...

Last night I had a dream that I took the bug to an old volkswagen junkyard and spoke to the elderly man there running it. We got to talking and he connected me with my grandpa whom he knew from long ago. I told him I was in need of some working parts because I wanted a fully functioning car. He had be test the turn signals and windshield wipers for him and as all dreams seem to go - they worked.

I woke up this morning with a few minutes to spare to dash off to work, and as I was backing out of my parking spot I decided I should try my turn signals again. I jiggled them a little bit and then suddenly they start click-clicking and I look at the reflection of the rear of my car on another car and sure enough there is a faint yellow flashing going on. I was quite amazed and I very glad indeed that my dreams sometimes do actually have something to do with my life. I plan to look into this more...

Oh yes, I tried my windshield wipers later today and sure enough - they work as if they've never been disabled.

Dream on.

musik...

I like finding old music that I used to listen to that I like.

Right now it's the cd "Long Line of Leavers" by Caedmon's Call. I am reminded of life on the 4th floor of Huntington Hall in 2002-2003. I am reminded of why I like Caedmon's Call so much.

Thanks Nathan, for having good music on your iTunes.

it's been a while...

You're right...I've been gone for a while. And I suppose that's my own problem, not anyone elses really. I've started working. I don't remember when the last time I worked 40 hrs. a week was. I've done a month of it already and right now I feel exhausted. You think you can handle certain things and then your body just shuts down - lets you know it's finished, it's had it. My body let me know that this past week. I got sick (from the kids I work with) and I'm still not back to 100%. I think though...for the past month, I've been living off my own strength for the ALL of it.

And that's not right.

That's never right.

Not to pawn my strength off on God or anything, but in a small sense of reality that's what I'm doing. But the funny thing is, that's what I'm supposed to do. The joy of the Lord is supposed to be my strength, not anything else. Not work, not food, not sleep. The JOY OF THE LORD. When was the last time I experienced the joy of the Lord? A month? Half a year? A year ago? My past has become to faded with memories and uncertainties that I really can't say. Today though. Today I'm here and the joy of the Lord IS going to be my strength. I can't do it without his help. I can't do what I feel he has called me to do without him walking alongside me - I feel like I'm doing something wrong if I work like that. I can't love these children if I am not daily walking with my Father, telling him how I feel about work, about life. These children do not need me to be there and care for them. They need a loving God who loves them no matter what they've gone through.

I am far from that.

But God isn't. And I can share God's love - not superficial love that I think will suffice for 12 hours in a day, but the pure love of God that comes unexpectedly and undeservingly. God has placed me in a situation where I can either glorify him or become a workaholic - continually thinking of when I'll receive my next paycheck and how angry I'll be at the government for taking 20% of my hard earned-money. Praise be to God for blessing me with a job. Praise be to God for giving me an income. Praise be to God for he and he only is worthy of our praise.

In short - I'm sick of this, God - lead the way.

speechless...

Please my friends - pray with me.

I can't get into too much detail because of confidentiality reasons, but there are three brothers who are up for adoption where I work. Right now the Social Service Sytem is thinking of placing them in a same-sex couple's home, where they openly say they will teach the boys to live a homosexual lifestyle.

I'll let you know what happens - they'll be with us at least until the 25th, but only God knows what will happen after that.

Thank you.

mexico...

It's been two years since I've been to Mexico with my church.

I think this week is going to be random for some reason. I'm not quite sure why.

I'm excited to go but...well, just give me some orphans to love on and I'll be set.

And God, be with Oscar, wherever he may be...

reason to sing...

Days pass quickly, more than one might wish for at times. And yet too often I forget to take a moment to look around. Small children running through sprinklers, an old couple slowly walking down a quiet path, hand in hand. And where am I? Am I just passing through, trying to reach the next leg of the race? Or are there days when I finally realize I am a part of the beauty of it all. The beauty that is life.

Today I find myself sitting quietly, allowing a gentle breeze to brush against my face as if to say "peace be with you." These birds chirping around me are not in the slightest bit concerned about what they will be doing tomorrow, the thought probably won't even form in their small minds until it is too late. Tomorrow will be today, and they will continue to sing.

I long to sing on days like this. The sun is shining through non-existent clouds while trees move to and fro as if dancing to some distant melody. That melody is caught by the breeze and carried by me, and as it swirls around me, I open my mouth...

and sing.

reflection...

Lately I've been living in my own little world. It's been good, mind you, but at the same time there's a small nagging in the back of my mind that goes something along the lines of - "Hey, give Me a little of your time."

I suppose that's not really too hard for one to ask.
Or do for that matter.

So why does the littlest time feel like eons that I will be wasting?


God I'm selfish.

God's timing...

I've come to the realization that God's timing is much more perfect than any of my planned out activities for the next week, month, or year.

I have quite a few examples of this, but most importantly I know that God will work everything for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Maybe this only works when hindsight is 20/20, but I had an idea during this past year that God was intricately weaving small threads of his plan into my life.

And looking back over these past six months I see nothing but grace and provision in EVERY aspect of my life. With new friends, a stronger love for my family, and even a couple marriages I have seen how God yearns to show me his love. Whether it be as simple as a hug from a loved one or a smile from a stranger, God makes himself known to me.

I was asked today how I had been treating God, and my answer wasn't what I would have liked it to be, but it was honest - and in a way I was giving myself a small tap on the shoulder reminding myself that I needed some QT with my Creator. It's so easy for me to fall out of any routine I may have started with devotionals or prayers, etc. and sometimes I wonder why. But at the same time God does not change and his view of me is no less, which gives me a peace that comforts my stressed out life.

I like peace.

middle of nowhere...

Boredom hits best when all objectives for the day come crashing to a grinding halt as a result of a simple migraine headache. Sure, I've been told they're not migraines, that they're simply headaches that affect every aspect of my being, but I refuse to believe they're "intense headaches." Simply because they don't happen that often and when they do they make the rest of my day miserable.

This one most definitely came out of the middle of nowhere, considering I hadn't had one like this the entire year. It could simply be a result of stress, I failed to mention it came right after I realized I wasn't supposed to be at jury duty today but tomorrow, after driving up to Santa Ana at 6:30 in the morning. And the way back was no better, getting lost on sidestreets to find a detour to the 22 which I took the wrong way, to finally find myself on the 405 S stuck in stop and go traffic. If that's not enough to make one annoyed, add in the trying to find a job factor along with having no money, and you've got yourself a bonafide bundle of crap.

But really, I'm fine, I'm just ranting because I've been annoyed with all of this the past couple of days and better have it down in words than festering in my mind. . .

blister in the arizona sun...

It's 95* out today, even though it feels much hotter. I suppose I should just wait for tomorrow, when the forecast calls for over 105*. Thankfully AJ works at Starbucks and there's the possibility of him bringing me home something tomorrow.

It's been interesting, I admit, watching a couple interact during the few days coming up to their marriage. Hmmm...

I really don't have much to say. This is more of a "I miss Dana Point" entry than anything else. Truth be told, I miss California and pretty much everything inside of it.

At least on Friday the best part of California will be here in Arizona with me. And then we get to go back to Dana Point, hooray for that.

life... (part iii)

I've come to a realization ever so slowly lately. Once again it has to do with life, and living one day at a time. Many times I'll find myself wanting tomorrow to be here. It could be for a number of reasons, depending on a number of things. I suppose that is vague but in all actuality it varies depending on the person. An example would be a 9-5 worker longing for Friday to come when it's only Thursday morning. And although the idea that it will soon be Friday might possibly get them through the day faster than usual, I still wonder how that day might be different if all they did was take each minute as it came. Fit yourself in your own typical life scenarios and I think you'll understand what I'm talking about.

I will find myself sitting at home wishing it were a certain day of the week because of something that is happening that day. I think I fear that tomorrow will never come to fruition, and because of that I fear that I will not be able to see the people I care about or do things that excite me. I will think that my day right now is dull which in turn affects my attitude for the entire day. Tomorrow eventually comes, but did I take time to cherish the yesterday which is now forever lost?

At this point, trust is a big issue that comes into play for me. I am discovering that my trust that I have in God is not where it should be. Oh it is deepening and growing ever so slightly each day, but I wonder how much it could change if I were to live the way I have been talking about for an entire week. I should probably try to first get past living this way for two consecutive days, but it's worth a thought.

More later...

today...

so yeah...

In a way, I'm in a "can't sleep" state of being right now. It's true that I could jump in a bed and fall almost immediately asleep because my body is exhausted, but that's not going to happen right now.

No...right now I'm going to smile, and say that life is good.

No, life is great.

big fish...

cancerous.
eating away.
slowly.

death.
a reminder of life.
today.

where is love.
when there is pain.
where is hope.

my tears.
stain my face.
one at a time.

but wait...

And then you take a breath, look around you, and realize that life really isn't all that complicated.

You begin to understand that you are blessed far beyond what you could even have imagined, and because of that you wonder if something isn't dreadfully wrong behind it all. But nothing is; and God has given you amazing friends, an amazing life, and more importantly a more than amazing love.

If there's one thing to say right now it's that God's love surpasses all our small notions of what love is. For -

O Lord, what is man that you care for him,
the son of man that you think of him?
Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow.
Psalm 144:3-4

What are we truly, except small specks of dust taking up space for a few years? And he still cares for us. Cares for us so very much.

can we start, start over...

Sigh.

I just wish life would be simpler at times.

life changing...

We are not meant to handle our own lives by ourselves. All kinds of things will happen to us that we can not handle - except with God's help.

Isn't that so very comforting and amazing and spectacular and a sigh of relief all at the same time?

Yes. Yes times a thousand and a few more times yes. I love it. I really feel like that's the most important lesson I've been learning lately. It's...I don't know. Life changing?

It is definitely. Every day life changing. Our lives will seriously be different if we try living otherwise.

True story.

And so it is, just like you said it would be, a completely different story. Choices are given to us, every second of every minute of every hour of every day. Choices that aren't always necessarily right or wrong, but choices nonetheless. I believe we wake up each day with the opportunity for greatness, but whether or not we live in that mindset is entirely up to us.

The above conversation is one of the few I have every week or so about God, his love, his timing, you name it. The first line is from a professor that I had in college that sends weekly e-mails about that very same thing, and more often than not little nuggets like that arise.

I believe, as I have stated before, that each day we are given can be one full of true life. Life that we can take hope in, life that gives us the strength to persevere through thick and thin. It is true, there are days that I live that seem to have no special significance in the grand scheme of things, but we cannot let days like these drag us down and in turn affecting the day after and so on.

So let's go about and change our lives...today.

today's a day not over yet
if i don't jump now
it'll be a day that's to forget

life... (part ii)

life. given in abudance.
with love. drenching our skin.
today. here but a moment.
for us. how shall we spend?

Day by day...

If this is indeed how we are to live, what gives us the right to worry about how our lives are going to turn out? Even more so, who are we to take for granted the hours we have been given today?

So many questions to be answered, and yet I still find myself wondering about many things. Mainly though, what am I going to be remembered for...today?

More later...

first day of spring...

seasons change
oh too quickly
only to be forgotten

past days dissipate
picking up pace
as years go by

and what of us?
are we to forget
what love there is

love that is patient
kind and true
love that honors

for today is ours
given only by grace
how shall we handle?

enough is before us
no more no less
to use in accordance

spring is now here
sun will rise and fall
as we press on

every new day...

When I was young
The smallest trick of light
Could catch my eye
Then life was new and every new day
I thought that I could fly

I believed in what I hoped for
And I hoped in things unseen
I had wings and dreams could soar
I just don't feel like flying anymore

When the stars threw down their spears
Watered Heaven with their tears
Before words were spoken
Before eternity

Dear Father, I need You
Your strength my heart to mend
I want to fly higher
Every new day again

When I was small
The furthest I could reach
Was not so high
Then I thought the world was so much smaller
Feeling I could fly

Through distant deeps and skies
Behind infinity
Below the face of Heaven
He stoops to create me

Dear Father, I need You
Your strength my heart to mend
I want to fly higher
Every new day again

Man versus himself
Man versus machine
Man versus the world
Mankind versus me
The struggles go on
The wisdom I lack
The burdens keep piling
Up on my back
So hard to breathe
To take the next step
The mountain is high
I wade in the depths
Yearning for grace
And hoping for peace
Dear God increase

Healing hands of God have mercy
On our unclean souls once again
Jesus Christ, Light of the World
Burning bright within our hearts forever
Freedom means love without condition
Without a beginning or an end
Here's my heart, let it be forever Yours
Only You can make every new day seem so new

.fif.

a request...

My dad has multiple myeloma, otherwise known as bone marrow cancer.

Please pray.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

times are changing...

At the risk of sounding cliche, I must admit that seasons are finally revolving and that God is moving. Try as we may to direct our lives in the way in which we want them to go, God is slowly nudging us into the direction that he knows is best for us. Right here some might say this is nothing but predestination, but are we not called to willingly submit our very lives to him?

As for me, it seems very apropos that I am in the midst of a major "life-change." I call it this because at the present time I find myself sitting comfortably in my own bedroom in a wonderful house in one of the greatest cities in Orange County. And yet I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is not where God would have me to be. Ahh, right now, today, yes. But by June? No.

This past month has been one of many changes for me; such as having 16 people break my hand involuntarily, having to resign from my present job because of the inability to work, finding new friends on the other side of the continent, turning in applications to become a substitute teacher, and even more importantly coming very close to making a decision to move to Mexico for a year.

Friends, all two of you, I am finally moving on, and I feel confident that God is daily completing His good work in me. No, His perfect work. If anything, God is leading me on new adventures that at times I feel are a bit scary. But what better adventure, than to be following the plans of the one who created me. I leave you with one closing thought, one that fits me well:

• For all we have learned, and all we have and will accomplish, is rubbish without Jesus. -Cheri Clark

Godspeed.

a small update...

Wow, I haven't written anything for a while...

Biggest update? I broke my right hand a week ago, yep!

Other news? Yes, but not right now.