this sorta thing part deux...

Didn't think I'd been given much of a choice anyway. 'Cept, really, the choice is entirely up to me. I fail a lot. And many a time I let my failures define who I am. I think that has a large impact on all of my relationships. People around me notice it. I notice it.

sometime one time in a lifetime

So many chances though. Chances to change, chances to make a difference in something...anything. And yet no opportunities fully grasped or taken advantage of. Definition of man? Definition of me? No, not a true one.

this sort of thing could blow your mind

'Tis as simple as that. And I know....I know, I know, I know - it's going to do more than just that. Freedom. In life, in any idea that I have some standard to live up to, to live how others expect my life to end up. When it comes down to it, I'm the only one standing at the deep end.

or change everything

To put it lightly I suppose. I don't expect a dramatic change in anything. No text-book miracle or plagiarized expose. A slight bend in the road, a shift of the quiescent x-axis. But time is money these days, and you'd think anyone and everyone would want an immediate about-face. I can't do that...

so here, here we go again:
should i move right or left
or just step back to check if i missed a step
oh no, you can never be too sure when forever's on the line
forever passed me by a hundred times tonight

Godspeed.

this sorta thing...

i, i've got a hunch that we will never be the same. these things tend to change - everything.

I had a wonderful weekend. The kind of weekend that makes you think - yes, this is why I care about my relationship with God so much. But I really didn't think that. I don't know what I was thinking.

like a pause just to glance, or a choice, or just a chance

We got on the topic of 'once saved always saved' and it was interesting to see what my friends had to say. I don't want to get into that on here, but it is definitely an interesting discussion whenever it takes place.

and we were never ready for this anyway

I enjoy talking about my faith. My reason for living and the things I believe in. But whenever I talk about it, in the back of my head, I think - I am not living this life at all. I am to be compared with white-washed tombs if anything. My Pharisaical life is not to be envied my friends.

well come on, come on it's about time jump on in before you change your mind

Jump on in? As if.....as if I could do that with any strength I had. Strength? Life? What a confusing thing. Where have I been these past eight years? I'm not sure I could answer that.

no promises on this sort of thing.

TBC

n800 first thoughts...

Well, I've been sitting fooling around with my new N800 now for a little over two hours, and I really haven't gotten anywhere.

To begin with, this is an internet tablet, used mainly for connecting to the internet. At the same time though, it is a very user-friendly device which has hundreds of programs available to install and use for your own enjoyment. Back to the INTERNET part of it though. The wireless network in my house seemingly works well, my only problem being that the "wep password" I enter doesn't seem to work. This is frustrating because I tried the same thing yesterday and it wouldn't connect with my mac as well.

Secondly, there is an update needed immediately for better video performance, bluetooth connection, browser stability, and touchscreen interface. This took me the better part of these past two hours considering the only update I found was for windows which I just so happened to delete from my computer yesterday. I found a linux version and tried to get that to work, but upon trying to execute the file, well let's just say I failed. Thankfully my sister was kind enough to let me use her computer to install the update installer on her computer, and now I'm up and running on the bigger and better version.

I'd say more but I need the internet for most everything else...hopefully that will be fixed sooner than later.

Update: As of now at 5:38 p.m. the internet is working.

I'm looking forward to downloading Monkey Island to play on here, as well as music files and all sorts of goodies.

a recent conversation...

Me: But I promise I will not open it until I receive the box.
Amazon: That's very comforting. But I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.
Me: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a loyal customer.
Amazon: No good. I've known too many loyal customers.
Me: You don't know any way you'll trust me?
Amazon: Nothing comes to mind.
Me: Oh....

And so I sit, and check amazon's tracking status for my N800, only to be reminded that it left Dallas on the 10th at 10:56 p.m.

Sigh....

Update: As of 11:33 p.m. tonight the N800 is approx 1 hr. 6 min. away. Does this mean I'll have it tomorrow? We shall see...

la tierra...

planet earth is an amazing documentary.

that one would think all this came into existence because of chaos crashing together is....ignorant.

ignorant of truth. of what it means to acknowledge an intelligent creator creating.

me.

and you.


and yet i still find myself being selfish enough to believe that and yet distance myself from a God of mercy and grace who sees me as more than a conquerer.

581...

I've had almost 600 profile views, which isn't a big number by any means but what I find interesting is the fact that I only have three people who comment on this site.

Maybe they've each looked at my profile 200 times?

I don't care about comments or viewers, really I don't. But don't you ever wonder who is reading your blog?

It would be an interesting discovery I'm sure if that answer were revealed, but for now in this day and age people appreciate anonymity and secrecy.

I need to start writing more, methinks. I actually need to start reading more but that goes to show...I'm not good at reading on a consistent basis.

My cousin writes a lot, and reads a lot I'm sure. His stuff is actually interesting, in my mind. So if you want to read some of his thoughts and quips, take a look HERE, or click on the name "Tim" under my links.

Thanks for your time. Hopefully more will come soon.

AN-I-MAL!

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal." - C.S. Lewis

destination beautiful...

it hurts. this soul of mine.
endlessly searching for greatness.
finding none.

mind over matter.
what matters is my mind.
violently swerving left and right.
when all it needs is a straight line.

whatever happened to today.
tomorrow will never exist.
today. it's all i have.
so simple and yet.

sloth. lazy. tired.
my eternal damnation.
forever mine to live with.
where is the flame that once burned bright.

a spark at most.
but still ignited.
not extinguished.
not yet.

give me one good chance.
one chance to fail.
and i probably will.
again and again.

but i won't be defined.
by thoughts and ponderings.
actions and deeds yes.
and through the eyes of Another.

my feelings are selfish.
whenever has someone been so blessed.
to only throw it away.
for fear of losing nothing owned.

this ride is far from ending.
a u-turn here and there yes.
but destination beautiful.

plastic smile...

i've been doing nothing but work lately
and that's not necessarily a bad thing
but at the same time it can wear on you
like a bad habit that you wish would just disappear
and at times i wish it would all go away
the work - the tiredness - the passing boredom every now and then

i'm spontaneous
and at the same time monotonously calculated
on mondays you'll find me doing nothing
tuesdays waking up early for an hour of fellowship with friends
wednesdays working for too many hours in a row
thursdays the same
fridays the same
saturdays the same
sundays going to church and starting over again

why do i want to buy a car?
i want to go somewhere and do something
why do i want to find another job?
to feel more useful with the time i "waste"
why do i want to move?
for a change of scenery whilst despising the idea of spending more money
why is my body sore all over?
because i'm lazy, slothy, and haven't run or stretched in almost over 2 years
why did i just answer the phone when it was someone i didn't want to talk to?
to have a human to talk to; rather than this unintelligent computer screen

i've been told to seek first the kingdom of God
and then everything else will fall into place
all in good time though right?

sometimes i think if i won the lottery things would go well
but i know they wouldn't
probably farther from well than i've ever been



i'm no better than you
i'm no worse than you
strip this plastic smile...
i'm still stuck in my skin just like you

innocence...

could it be...

"Could it be that you are hiding from what love calls you to?" - W.D.

Yeah.

.................................................................................

az musings...

I spent the past two days with two very wonderful friends I've come to know and love. Who would have thought that on February 14th of 2003 I would meet AJ Teaters and end up as his best man in his wedding on June 2nd of 2006. As for Rhiannon, I've had the pleasure of knowing her longer but I realized this weekend that I truly love these two people.

I love Mikey, I love my family, and I love AJ and Rhiannon. Call it a short list of people to truly know you love, but there is an existing bond there that I know will not be broken.

And all it took was some Rocky Mountain Oysters...

an outlandish christmas wish list...

I usually don't do Christmas Wish Lists, only because I don't like receiving gifts from people. I've got to work on that though, so I thought to myself - "Hey, why not put all the expensive things you want out for the public eye to see, that way A - you won't get anything, or B - you can tell who your true friends are by how much they spend on you at Christmas time."

So here it is, James' wish list 2006:

The Complete Monty Python's Flying Circus 16-Ton Megaset
Band of Brothers
New International Commentary on the New Testament
Nikon D80 Digital SLR Camera
The Muppet Show - Season One

I'll add to it as time comes along...but for now I think that's good enough...

nanowrimo...

National Novel Writing Month

50,000 Words.
30 Days.
1 Author.


Here's to me.

then again...

Life goes on.

And I love my job.

And I can't complain.

And I won't.

signs of the end times...

When your work won't let you switch schedules with someone because they need a FOURTH person to work from 7-9 pm on a Saturday night when most of the kids are in bed.

"It's for the kids."

california dreaming...

For the past month and a half I have been driving a 1968 Volkswagen Beetle. It's been a blast and I think I might buy it in February. Ever since I've been driving it I have been annoyed that the turn signals don't work and the windshield wipers haven't moved when I turn their designated button. I've been playing with the wires and nothing has seemed to happen, so I thought maybe I should buy new bulbs or something to that extent. But I have yet to buy new bulbs...

Last night I had a dream that I took the bug to an old volkswagen junkyard and spoke to the elderly man there running it. We got to talking and he connected me with my grandpa whom he knew from long ago. I told him I was in need of some working parts because I wanted a fully functioning car. He had be test the turn signals and windshield wipers for him and as all dreams seem to go - they worked.

I woke up this morning with a few minutes to spare to dash off to work, and as I was backing out of my parking spot I decided I should try my turn signals again. I jiggled them a little bit and then suddenly they start click-clicking and I look at the reflection of the rear of my car on another car and sure enough there is a faint yellow flashing going on. I was quite amazed and I very glad indeed that my dreams sometimes do actually have something to do with my life. I plan to look into this more...

Oh yes, I tried my windshield wipers later today and sure enough - they work as if they've never been disabled.

Dream on.

musik...

I like finding old music that I used to listen to that I like.

Right now it's the cd "Long Line of Leavers" by Caedmon's Call. I am reminded of life on the 4th floor of Huntington Hall in 2002-2003. I am reminded of why I like Caedmon's Call so much.

Thanks Nathan, for having good music on your iTunes.

it's been a while...

You're right...I've been gone for a while. And I suppose that's my own problem, not anyone elses really. I've started working. I don't remember when the last time I worked 40 hrs. a week was. I've done a month of it already and right now I feel exhausted. You think you can handle certain things and then your body just shuts down - lets you know it's finished, it's had it. My body let me know that this past week. I got sick (from the kids I work with) and I'm still not back to 100%. I think though...for the past month, I've been living off my own strength for the ALL of it.

And that's not right.

That's never right.

Not to pawn my strength off on God or anything, but in a small sense of reality that's what I'm doing. But the funny thing is, that's what I'm supposed to do. The joy of the Lord is supposed to be my strength, not anything else. Not work, not food, not sleep. The JOY OF THE LORD. When was the last time I experienced the joy of the Lord? A month? Half a year? A year ago? My past has become to faded with memories and uncertainties that I really can't say. Today though. Today I'm here and the joy of the Lord IS going to be my strength. I can't do it without his help. I can't do what I feel he has called me to do without him walking alongside me - I feel like I'm doing something wrong if I work like that. I can't love these children if I am not daily walking with my Father, telling him how I feel about work, about life. These children do not need me to be there and care for them. They need a loving God who loves them no matter what they've gone through.

I am far from that.

But God isn't. And I can share God's love - not superficial love that I think will suffice for 12 hours in a day, but the pure love of God that comes unexpectedly and undeservingly. God has placed me in a situation where I can either glorify him or become a workaholic - continually thinking of when I'll receive my next paycheck and how angry I'll be at the government for taking 20% of my hard earned-money. Praise be to God for blessing me with a job. Praise be to God for giving me an income. Praise be to God for he and he only is worthy of our praise.

In short - I'm sick of this, God - lead the way.

speechless...

Please my friends - pray with me.

I can't get into too much detail because of confidentiality reasons, but there are three brothers who are up for adoption where I work. Right now the Social Service Sytem is thinking of placing them in a same-sex couple's home, where they openly say they will teach the boys to live a homosexual lifestyle.

I'll let you know what happens - they'll be with us at least until the 25th, but only God knows what will happen after that.

Thank you.